Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.9.19

We’ve got Ashton Kutcher on the show tonight! It’s been a weird few years for Ashton - people keep waiting for him to pop outta the White House and yell, “You just got Punk’d!”

It’s Fashion Week here in New York City! You can tell it’s Fashion Week cuz earlier today, I watched a rat eat the cheese off a pizza and toss away the crust. “No carbs, no carbs this week.”

This is the time of year when all the big names release their new lines. For example, last night, President Trump released his new line of insults against Chrissy Teigen and John Legend.

After John Legend went on MSNBC and said we need more criminal justice reform, Trump went on Twitter, calling Legend “boring” and referring to Chrissy as “John Legend’s filthy mouth wife.”

You know these are strange times when the president attacks John Legend and Chrissy Teigen but invites the Taliban to Camp David.

We’re just three days away from the next Democratic debate and this one will feature the 10 leading candidates all on stage at the same time. That’s right, 10 candidates all on stage talking over each other, for ABC, it’s basically “The View” on steroids.

Apple was caught breaking a Chinese labor law to build its latest iPhone. People in China were shocked, they were like, “Wait, we have labor laws?!”

But now Apple is doing the best they can to fix the situation. Today, they apologized, and sent all of their temporary staffers back to Kindergarten.

I want to congratulate Rafael Nadal on winning the U.S. Open Title. The match lasted almost 5 hours! Let me put this in perspective for you, at the beginning of the match, Trump was in a feud with Debra Messing, by the end, he was in a feud with Chrissy Teigen.

You could tell the match was long, after the third hour, the ballboys were just like, “You get it.”

Yesterday was the first Sunday of the NFL season, and I saw that during his game against the Titans, Cleveland Browns receiver Odell Beckham Jr. wore a 350,000 dollar watch. He’s playing in the NFL with a 350,000 dollar watch on-- meanwhile, my dad puts his Casio in the hotel safe before he takes a shower.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.10.19

Jennifer Lopez is my guest tonight! Jennifer is here promoting her new movie “Hustlers,” which is about a group of strippers who steal money from wealthy men on Wall Street. Jennifer has done the impossible – she’s made a movie that both President Trump AND Bernie Sanders can enjoy.

Let’s get to the big news out of Washington. Earlier today, President Trump announced over Twitter that he fired his National Security Adviser John Bolton. Yeah, Trump tweeted “Bolton’s services were no longer needed” and that he “strongly disagreed with many of his suggestions.” Bolton thought we should continue the war in Afghanistan and Trump thought we should continue the war with Chrissy Teigen.

Pretty soon after Trump’s tweets, Bolton responded on Twitter by saying “I offered to resign last night and President Trump said, "Let's talk about it tomorrow." Trump was like, “Technically, I am talking about it tomorrow.” I mean, Bolton really should’ve seen this coming - every kid on Earth knows, “Let's talk about it tomorrow” means you’re definitely not getting that pony.

Now that he’s out of a job, Bolton said he’s going to spend more time with his fellow walruses. I’m just kidding. Bolton actually said he’s gonna head west and “Pan for gold in dem dere hills!”

But it’s not all bad news for Bolton. I mean, if he wants to keep his job, he could just shave his mustache and show up for work tomorrow. “Who’s the new guy? Welcome aboard.”

Last night, Trump went to North Carolina for a rally, and right after he arrived, a bolt of lightning struck close to Air Force One. It’s weird -- for a few minutes, everything Trump tweeted was spelled exactly right.

But it’s smart for Trump to hit the campaign trail, cuz a new poll is showing his approval rating is at just 38 percent. Trump didn’t seem too upset, he was like, “The only polls I care about now are the ones in strip clubs, go see ‘Hustlers’ out this weekend.”

And now Trump is doing the best he can to boost his approval rating. Today, he took a Sharpie and turned the “38” into an “88.”

Apple unveiled its new iPhones today, and everyone’s excited cuz the new version has three cameras on the back. Yeah, Apple says it takes such clear selfies, you’ll find chins you never knew you had.

They also introduced a new Frogger game for their Apple Arcade service. Because nothing says “cutting edge” like hottest game from 1981.

It’s currently Fashion Week here in New York City. This year, many designers are showing-off some interesting new looks. For example, one designer debuted something a little strange: A bejeweled beard. That’s actually part of their Wolf Blitzer Collection.

And I saw one of the hot new trends this year are tiny purses. They’re perfect if you only wanna carry around one Altoid. It’s tiny, but somehow it STILL takes 10 minutes to find your keys.

I heard that Kanye West just purchased a 14-million dollar ranch in Wyoming, where he’ll raise horses and cattle. Yeah, horses and cattle. So Kanye – get ready to “Scoopity-poop.”

There's a new version of Monopoly out called "Ms. Monopoly," where women get paid more than men. Yeah, the Monopoly guy got the boot! So between him and John Bolton, it’s been a rough day for old guys with mustaches.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.11.19

Coming into work today I saw a bunch of paparazzi outside and thought, “Well, you’ve still got it, Jimmy!” and then I remembered my guest tonight is Kim Kardashian West!

I actually ran into Kim backstage and asked if she’d post a picture of us on her Instagram, and then she was like, “No problem! That’ll be two million dollars.”

Tomorrow night is the third Democratic debate on ABC, so it’ll be Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune, followed by a debate full of people who watch Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune.

Tomorrow’s debate on ABC is scheduled to be three hours long. Americans were like, “Um, the only thing we’ll watch for three hours on ABC is “The Bachelor.”

Right now, the candidates are making their way to the debate and I saw that Amy Klobuchar and Pete Buttigieg were on the same flight. Then it got weird when Bill de Blasio walked by like, “Peanuts? Headphones?”

The other big story is President Trump firing National Security Advisor John Bolton. Some are saying that part of the reason Trump fired Bolton was because he “never-liked his mustache.” Well, I guess whatever animal is on Bolton’s lip didn’t get along with whatever animal is on Trump’s head.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.12.19

We’ve got a great show! Jennifer Garner is here! Jim Jefferies is here! And we’ve got music from Megan Thee Stallion! She’s huge right now with her hit, “Hot Girl Summer.” Although, after seeing Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders at tonight’s debate, it feels more like “Old Man Fall.”

Tonight was the third Democratic debate , and I read that the candidates were all warned not to swear during the debate. Then it got weird when Bernie was like, “And what about nudity?”

Yeah, tonight was the third Democratic debates and I heard that the candidates were warned not to swear on stage. Yeah, the moderators said that any dirty language would make them appear too presidential.

Trump’s campaign hired a plane to fly a banner over Houston that said, “Socialism will kill Houston’s economy.” It was a great plan until they realized the debate was happening at night.

It just came out that the racehorse Justify, who won last year’s Triple Crown, failed a drug test before the Kentucky Derby. Officials knew something was up before the race when Justify told the horse next to him, “Pee in this cup for me.” You could tell he was on something when his trainer needed a giant saddle to cover up his “bacne.”

There are rumors that Jennifer Lopez might perform at this year’s Super Bowl halftime show. The NFL is really hoping she says yes, cuz their next option is Pete Buttigieg and Beto O’Rourke.

I wanna say congrats to DJ Khaled who’s having a baby. When the baby was born DJ Khaled was like, “anotha one!”

A company has started making a new blue rosé. It’s pretty cool, they only use the finest grapes from France’s Listerine region.