Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.28.19
I feel the love! I feel the complete opposite of Trump at last night’s World Series.
President Trump and the First Lady went to the World Series in Washington, and when they showed them on the jumbotron, the crowd didn’t seem thrilled. Then Trump turned to Melania and was like, “Wow, they REALLY don’t like you.”
Trump is doing everything he can to spin it. At first he was like, “They weren’t booing, they were chanting, “Ruuuuuuudy Giuliani.”
Trump said, “Actually, they were chanting, “Uuuuuuuuuukraine call was perfect!”
After all the booing, things really got ugly. At one point, fans started chanting “Lock Him Up!” Some people thought heckling Trump was disrespectful. Then every outfielder who’s ever played in New York, Boston or Philly was like, “Toughen up, buttercup. I’m getting hit with D-cell batteries for nine innings.”
In the upper deck, fans hung a giant banner that said, “Impeach Trump!” Finally, enough security showed up and they were able to take down the banner and remove Hillary from the stadium.
It was a whirlwind day for Trump. At 9AM, he announced we took out the leader of ISIS and by 9PM he announced we’re taking out the guy in charge of the jumbotron.
Joe Biden appeared on “60 Minutes” for a sit down interview with Norah O’Donnell. It was a good interview. At one point Biden said that the reason President Obama hasn’t endorsed him is because he asked him not to. It’s like a middle schooler saying, “I do have a girlfriend, I just asked her NOT to come to the dance with me! She lives in Canada!”
I heard that Lyft is offering people free rides if they're going to a job interview. That way you can text your interviewer, “I’ll be there in 5 minutes. Wait, 6. Sorry, 15. I gotta reschedule.”
For the 2020 Olympics, Toyota is launching new “driverless taxis,” but they will still have a driver inside the car. Yeah, it’s perfect for anyone who wants their driver to solely focus on forced conversation.
A new study found that White Claw gets you drunk faster than other drinks, and leaves less of a hangover. Yeah, the study was done by a team of researchers known as “The Real Housewives.”
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.29.19
Halloween is just two days away and NASA says the Hubble telescope just spotted a pair of galaxies that look like a “spooky face.” Take a look at this. They’ve already come up with a name for the formation: Rudy Giuliani.
An army officer gave firsthand testimony about Trump’s call with Ukraine. The officer’s name is Lieutenant Colonel Alexander Vindman, and he’s an Iraq War veteran, he has a Purple Heart, and he has a Harvard degree. Or as Trump put it, “Psh, who are you gonna believe, him or me?”
In his testimony, Vindman confirmed the whistleblower’s report, and now a lot of people think the walls are starting to close in on Trump. In response, Trump was like, “How could you do this to me, walls?! After all we’ve been through?!”
Trump is expected to headline a Republican fundraiser at Disney World in December. Yeah, the plan is for Trump to visit the Hall of Presidents, switch places with his robot and let HIM get impeached.
Trump is going to Disney World. He’s even expected to go to Epcot, and ask every country for dirt on Joe Biden.
Trump’s going to go from getting booed at the World Series to getting booed by Donald Duck.
I saw that Walgreens is opening 100 Jenny Craig outlets inside their stores. That’s pretty cruel. Making people walk though an aisle full of Halloween candy before going into a Jenny Craig.
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.30.19
Emilia Clarke is my guest tonight! Of course you know her from Game of Thrones, where she played "Queen Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen, the First of Her Name, Queen of the Andals, the Rhoynar and the First Men, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, The Breaker of Chains and The Mother of Dragons." And, now she can be seen in her new movie Last Christmas playing "Kate." So, she might be getting typecast...
Speaking of Game of Thrones, HBO just announced that they’re working on a prequel that’s set 300 years before the original. HBO promises it’ll be just as action-packed and twice as awkward to watch with your siblings.
Today is “National Candy Corn Day!” And here’s a little tip -- if you’re hosting a Halloween party and think you might run out of candy corn, don’t worry - you won’t.
President Trump is coming to New York this weekend to go to a UFC match at Madison Square Garden. Trump said he’s excited to see how many different sporting events he can get booed at.
Trump is attending a UFC fight, and this is interesting, the winner will be named champion and the loser will be named Trump’s next Chief of Staff.
Trump’s approval rating is at just 41 percent. But his staff is spinning it. They’re like “It’s not a ‘low’ approval rating. It’s just ‘fun-sized.’”
USA Today just released a poll that found only 54 percent of Americans think our country is ready for a vegan president. Yeah, maybe that would be a little weird. I don’t know if anybody wants to see the president pardon the “Thanksgiving Tofurkey.”
I saw that John Legend and Kelly Clarkson are releasing a version of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” that’s “less creepy” than the original. It’s a pretty short song. Kelly says, “I really can’t stay,” and John says, “Okay. I’ll call you an Uber.”
3.9 billion dollar terminal just opened at LaGuardia Airport. It’s so much nicer -- now all the rats wear little bow ties.
The FDA says they want bigger calorie labels on snacks sold in vending machines, so people can make healthier eating choices. Although, I think the healthiest diet choice you can make is not eating food from a vending machine.
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.31.19
Kristen Stewart is my guest tonight! She stars in the new movie “Charlie’s Angels!” Charlie’s Angels is expected to be the biggest female reboot until Elizabeth Warren gets elected in 2020.
According to Google, this year’s most popular Halloween costume is Pennywise the Clown from “It.” The least popular Halloween costume, once again, is “Sexy Rudy Giuliani.”
The company that makes M&M’s, Snickers and Twix starts preparing for Halloween two years in advance. Meanwhile, the company that makes Necco Wafers made one batch 50 years ago and has been selling them ever since.
This week, Twitter announced that it’s banning all political ads. Phew! This is great news. Now Twitter can just be the wholesome, family-friendly social media platform that it’s always been.