Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.20.19

I’m not saying Trump’s presidency is in rough shape, but right now, Alec is backstage working on his Mike Pence impression.

The Eagles took on the Cowboys at AT&T stadium. Both teams loved playing there, cuz whenever something got dropped, they could just blame AT&T.

The Cowboys played the Eagles in a heated division rivalry. Of course, the Eagles’ motto is “Fly Eagles Fly”...which is definitely better than The New York Jets’ motto “Trade Me Jets, Trade Me.”

At an NFL meeting, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones reportedly argued for more leniency on NFL marijuana rules. And then right after, he was like “You know what’s funny, man -- untoasted pop-tarts are better than toasted pop-tarts. But, you gotta get the kind with the frosting.”

The big NFL news happened on Thursday, when Kansas City’s MVP quarterback Patrick Mahomes dislocated his knee and could be out for awhile. I’m not sure what’s more shocking - Patrick Mahomes’ knee fell apart, or that his coach Andy Reid’s knees are still intact.

In the future, NFL owners wanna make the season longer by adding a 17th game. In response, Miami Dolphins fans were like, “Dear God, haven’t we suffered enough?!

Weekends are for two things: football and endless tweets from the president. Trump made some news on Twitter today when he quoted his Defense Secretary, Mark Esper. But he accidentally called him...“Mark Esperanto.” A staffer was like, “Do you wanna edit the tweet?” And Trump was like, “Nah, just fire him and hire a guy named “Mark Esperanto.”

Mark Esperanto sounds like the evil villain on a Telemundo soap opera.

Showtime just announced they’re making a new TV series all about the founding of Uber. It sounds good, but as soon as they ordered it, the show drove right past their offices. I think I just saw you, did you just pass us? Now it’s saying your show is ten minutes away.

Someone on Twitter posted a video of a New York City cockroach carrying a cigarette into a storm drain. It’s sad, six months ago, that cockroach took a bus from Iowa with dreams of making it on Broadway and now this.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.21.19

We also have Mayor Pete Buttigeig! It wasn’t easy getting Mayor Pete here. First we had to work around his crazy campaign schedule and then we needed his parents to sign the permission slip.

According to a new poll out today, Mayor Pete is surging in Iowa! He just passed Bernie Sanders, is now right behind Joe Biden and Elizabeth Warren, and the thing that sets him apart from those three is that he actually knows how to find that poll on a smartphone.

Actually, Mayor Pete actually has something a lot of the other candidates don’t – his original teeth.

He’s really caught on in Iowa. Mostly cuz voters think he’s the only candidate young enough to find his way out of a corn maze.

I actually saw Mayor Pete backstage, and said, “It’s nice to see you,” and he was like, “YOU GOTTA SPEAK UP, I STOOD BY BERNIE SANDERS AT THE LAST DEBATE! MY EARS ARE SHOT!”

It just came out that Mitt Romney has been using a secret Twitter account where he supported himself and criticized President Trump. And he goes by the name...“Pierre Delecto.”

Pierre Delecto -- it sounds like an evil chef at Au Bon Pain.

Romney’s been running the account since 2011. Yeah, Pierre Delecto is eight years-old and loves Twitter -- he’s just like the president.

The FDA just announced that over 95 percent of baby food they tested had traces of metal in it. But on the bright side, your Mom wasn’t lying when she said, “Here comes the airplane!”

The Vatican just announced they’re selling a new bluetooth-enabled rosary that will let users track their prayers. It’s just like a Fitbit, except you feel wayyy more guilty for missing your goals.

Airbnb is renting out a real-life Barbie dreamhouse in Malibu. That’s how you know the economy’s in trouble -- Barbie’s got like 400 jobs and she still has to rent out her place on Airbnb.

The New York Jets played the New England Patriots. This was interesting. To make things fair, Tom Brady played the entire game with his helmet on backwards.

Some people in Sweden are getting microchips implanted in their hands to use as a credit card. Although it’s kind of rough when your card gets rejected and the cashier cuts up your hand.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.22.19

Tonight was Game 1 of the World Series, between the Houston Astros and the Washington Nationals. And this is nice -- even though their team’s not in it, Yankee fans promised to boo whoever wins.

ABC aired the classic Halloween special, "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.” They actually updated it a bit. At the end of this version, the Great Pumpkin gets impeached.

The impeachment inquiry is in full swing, and I heard that today actually marks its one month anniversary. When he heard, Trump was like, “I can’t believe nobody got me a present! Not even a card from Pierre Delecto?”

Democrats say the impeachment might take longer than expected cuz each witness keeps providing even MORE leads. So basically, Trump's legal strategy is, commit so many crimes they can never finish the investigation. “They’re almost done? Okay, tell Don Jr. to rob a bank.”

The top official from the US Embassy in Ukraine testified, and one Congressman called it his “most disturbing day in Congress.” And that’s counting the day Mitch McConnell walked out of the sauna without a towel.

A new report claims Vladimir Putin is the one who convinced Trump that Ukraine was corrupt. You can tell Putin has a lot of influence over Trump, cuz he also convinced him to trade all his Halloween Milky Ways for a roll of Necco Wafers.

In a new interview, Trump said he doesn’t want copies of the New York Times or the Washington Post in the White House. Yeah, Trump only keeps one newspaper in the White House and he uses it to train Rudy Giuliani. “Bad, Rudy! Go to your crate!”

Trump apparently retweeted an account called—this real, “DJTrumpsButt.” When I saw it, my first thought was, “Wow, Mitt Romney really likes coming up with new Twitter accounts.”

Snoop Dogg celebrated his 48th birthday, and received a bouquet of 48 joints. Although, what he was really hoping for was an “Edibles Arrangement.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.23.19

Millions of Americans are buying candy for trick-or-treaters -- which they’ll re-buy in six days after they polish it off themselves.

Halloween is on a weekday this year. Parents are like, “You mean I get to work a full day AND walk around for hours in the cold darkness?!”

I love Halloween. There are so many fun costumes, like “Sexy Nurse,” “Sexy Cop,” “Sexy Indicted Trump Staffer.”

If you’re still looking for a costume, look no further. This year, you can actually dress up as a “sexy, sold-out, Popeye’s chicken sandwich.” Most people called it ridiculous, while the president called the Statue of Liberty and said, “You’ve been replaced!”

Republicans “stormed” a closed-door meeting to protest the impeachment inquiry. Even crazier, they used Mike Pence as a battering ram.

The Republicans actually stormed the room as a Pentagon employee was moments away from testifying about Ukraine. Cuz nothing says, “Completely innocent!” Like storming the room of someone about to testify.

It really turned into an ugly scene among Republicans - I haven’t seen that many angry white guys since NBC cancelled “Frasier.”

Things are pretty chaotic in Washington. I read that a lot of reporters think this has been one of the worst weeks of Trump’s entire presidency. Which is really impressive when you realize it’s only Wednesday.

Tiffany’s just released an Advent calendar that costs 112,000 dollars. Yep, exactly like Jesus intended.

According to Tiffany’s, behind the first three doors are everyday objects like a cup, a clothespin and a harmonica. If the first three gifts are a cup, clothespin and harmonica, the fourth door better be filled with 111,000 dollars.

Pizza Hut is testing environmentally-friendly boxes that you can actually compost. It wasn’t that hard -- the box is made out of pizza from Papa John’s.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.24.19

Hey, before we get started, I just wanna give a special shout-out to all of our viewers watching from the Colorado–Mexico border!

During a speech in Pittsburgh yesterday, President Trump said that he’s building sections of the border wall in New Mexico and Colorado. By the time Trump is done building all these walls, the country is going to look like 50 giant cubicles.

Then Trump announced our Coast Guard will be patrolling the ports of Nebraska.

But Trump addressed his comments in a tweet and said... “(Kiddingly) We’re building a Wall in Colorado”(then stated, “we’re not building a Wall in Kansas but they get the benefit of the Wall we’re building on the Border”) referred to people in the very packed auditorium, from Colorado & Kansas, getting the benefit of the Border Wall!”

Well, that clears it up. Forget immigrants, I think we need to deport Trump’s English teacher.

Trump participated in a ceremony in honor of the Hindu holiday Diwali. Things got off to a rough start when Trump told everyone, “We’re gonna build “Diwali” in Colorado!”

Pete Buttigieg said that he’s used marijuana “a handful of times,” and it was back when he was still growing up. Still growing up? The guy is barely old enough to see “Joker” on his own.

Judge Judy has endorsed former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg for president. It sounds good, but I still wanna hear what the judges from “Hot Bench” think before I make my decision.

The band Coldplay is revealing the tracklist of their new double album in newspapers around the world. That story again, Coldplay is keeping their tracklist a complete secret.

A group of scientists who taught rats how to drive tiny cars, and claimed the rats found it “relaxing.” When the report was published, the scientists’ families were like, “Wait, THAT’S what you’ve been studying.”

A new study found that mashed potatoes are just as good as Gatorade when exercising. So remember, this Thanksgiving you’re not “overeating,” you’re “training for the winter games.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.27.19

We are coming to you after tonight’s game between the Packers and the Chiefs! Tonight was supposed to feature two of the NFL’s best quarterbacks, Aaron Rodgers and Patrick Mahomes, but Mahomes is still injured and a backup played in his place. For Chiefs fans, it’s basically like getting tickets to “Hamilton” and then hearing, “Stepping in for Lin-Manuel Miranda tonight will be Vanilla Ice.”

Rob Gronkowski says he’d consider coming out of retirement IF the NFL lets players use CBD. Then every current NFL player was like, “Yes, and we would also like to try CBD for the first time.”

Football isn’t the only thing going on right now. Last night, President Trump tweeted, “Something very big just happened!” Americans saw and were like, “You went five minutes without tweeting?”

ISIS is looking for a new leader. At this point, the only jobs tougher to fill right now are Trump’s Chief of Staff and head coach of the Jets.

They were able to find the leader of ISIS in a very remote area. He almost got away, but then his phone started ringing from a Rudy Giuliani butt-dial.

Rudy Giuliani accidentally butt-dialed an NBC reporter and was overheard talking about Joe Biden. It’s actually pretty impressive… cuz Rudy uses a flip-phone.

CNN made a guide to help people figure out if their Halloween costume is appropriate or not. Here’s a tip -- if you need to use the guide, it’s not appropriate. Just trust your gut on that.

The guide ranges from it ranges from “Princess” all the way down to “Slutty OJ Simpson.”

A message in a bottle from New Jersey that washed up in Newfoundland. It was the first time someone opened a message in a bottle and all it said was “What are you looking at?”