Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.4.19

My guest tonight is Chris Evans! And right now, even Chris Pine, Chris Hemsworth, and Chris Pratt are like, “Wait – which one is he again??”

I wanna say congrats to the 50,000 runners who finished yesterday’s New York City marathon! I love the marathon. It’s the one day of the year you can rub Vaseline on your nipples in public and not get arrested.

I can’t imagine the excitement of finishing a marathon. I get excited when I’m out running errands and accidentally get 10,000 steps.

The men and women’s marathon were both won by runners from Kenya. Which means Kenya is probably home to the world’s best marathon runners and the world’s most annoying Instagram accounts.

The winning time in the men and women’s race was just over two hours. Or as that’s known to everyone who DIDN’T RUN on Sunday – roughly 7 episodes of “Friends.”

This weekend was the end of Daylight Saving Time so we all gained an extra hour. Which is just what you want when your kids are home with a pillowcase full of Halloween candy.

Thanks to the end of Daylight Saving Time, Americans picked up one more hour of sleep and one more hour to boo Trump at a sporting event.

Over the weekend, Trump attended a UFC fight at Madison Square Garden, and we was greeted with a mix of cheers and some boos. Yeah, half cheered and half booed. Trump was like, “Wow, this reminds me of my wedding day.”

Trump was greeted with a mix of cheers and boos. Bill de Blasio heard the reaction and was like, “Please - I’ll take that ANY day of the week.”

Trump doesn’t seem thrilled with New York. In fact, it just came out that he’s changing his legal residence from New York to Florida. It’s all part of Trump’s plan to gradually flee to South America.

It came out that during the Halloween party at the White House, kids were asked to help “Build the Wall,” with red paper bricks with their names. So far, that’s the only part of Trump’s wall that’s been built.

Beto O’Rourke has dropped out of the presidential race. I could tell you’re torn, yeah. At one point he was super trendy, polling in the top three, and now it’s all over. Even e-cigarettes were like, “Geez, what the hell happened?”

Beto is out of the race. When he heard, Bernie Sanders was like, “I guess that makes me the Democrats’ hot young beefcake!”

Facebook announced that its rebranding, with a new logo that’s in all caps. Yeah, cuz that was everyone’s biggest complaint with Facebook—the logo.

It seems like Facebook is rebranding. You can tell they’re desperate for approval cuz their new mascot is a Popeye’s chicken sandwich.

Papa John’s is introducing a new crust for the first time in 35 years that’s garlic Parmesan. Really? The crust? That’s it? That’s like Spirit Airlines announcing they’ve removed all the ashtrays from their arm rests.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.5.19

Earlier tonight, ABC aired “The Little Mermaid Live!”. The production started off as “Frozen,” but thanks to Global Warming they had to change it to “The Little Mermaid.”

The New York Times just did a big story about the president’s Twitter and it found that Trump has sent over 2,000 tweets where he bragged about himself. Americans were like, “That’s ridiculous—everybody knows Instagram is where you brag about yourself.”

I saw that Donald Trump Jr.’s new book is out today. It’s called, “Triggered: How the Left Thrives on Hate and Wants to Silence Us.” If you go to Barnes & Noble, it can be found in the “Ignored Children’s” section.

I feel bad for Don Jr. Today he walked into the White House and said, “Dad, I have a new book!” and Trump was like, “Oh no...I, uhhh, LOST my reading glasses.”

A new poll in Iowa shows Elizabeth Warren in first, Bernie Sanders in second, Pete Buttigieg in third, and Joe Biden in fourth. Of course, Iowa’s a tough place for Biden -- for starters, all the corn is terrified of his teeth.

I saw that the McDonald's Happy Meal is turning 40. So, now that it's 40, instead of being a "Happy Meal," it's more of a "Self-Reflective, What Does It All Mean" Meal.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.6.19

We’ve got magic from Dan White! Dan’s been busy lately—he keeps getting calls from one guy saying, “Can you make the impeachment inquiry disappear?”

The 2020 election is less than a year away! So one year from today either Democrats or Republicans will claim that they’re moving to Canada, then just continue to go about their lives.

MSNBC and the Washington Post are hosting the next Democratic debate at Tyler Perry Studios in Atlanta. And this is cool. Every Democrat will be played by Tyler Perry.

I read that President Trump banished The New York Times and the Washington Post from the White House, but he still has the apps on his phone. Which isn’t surprising, considering he’s been married to Melania for almost 20 years and he still has Tinder.

The big movie opening this weekend is “Doctor Sleep” which is based on a Stephen King novel and a sequel to “The Shining.” I was a little confused—at first I thought Doctor Sleep was a biopic about Ben Carson.

Google is buying Fitbit for 2 billion dollars. It's not a done deal yet…Google said it still needs to workout the next 10,000 steps.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.7.19

I’m so happy to be here in Austin! I’ve done it all! I came. I saw. I got into a scooter accident.

I’m so pumped to bring the Tonight Show to UT! Because if you saw my grades in high school, you’d know this is the only way I was getting into UT.

We have 3,000 students in the house tonight! You guys are the best—so many people wanted to come, we had to do a lottery for tickets. But if you wanted to come somewhere that’s easy to get into, y’all would be at Texas A&M right now.

By the way, I like my jacket. I like this frill. I wanted to look like Johnny Cash, but instead I look like Woody from Toy Story going through a goth phase.

One of the best parts about UT has to be the live Longhorn mascot, Bevo. He’s a real, live steer. That’s the 15th Bevo in UT history. And if you wanna know happened to the other 14...Franklin BBQ. Located at 900 East 11th Street, Austin, Texas 78702...would we steer you in the wrong direction?

I’ve had the best time here. This week felt just like my time in college. I didn’t go to class, I don’t know any girls, and I’ll be gone before graduation.