Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.26.18

You guys, today is Cyber Monday! It’s the busiest shopping day of the year, and Americans spent billions of dollars online. Earlier today, I saw a UPS guy hiding under his own truck and breathing into a paper bag.

Of course, to get deals, there were codes you had to enter online. LL Bean was 20% off with the code “THANKS-20.” The Gap was 50% off with the code “CYBER.” And Kohl’s was free with the code, “Please Take This Crap Off Our Hands.”

Yeah, everything on the Gap’s website was 50% off. But it’s just not the same without hearing a real employee sigh after you grab a shirt, unfold it, then toss it back on the pile.

And at Sears, the entire store was 50% off. Not the items, you can buy the actual store Sears for 50% off.

I read that President Trump was once asked to guess how much the military’s highest-ranking officer earns per year, and he said five million dollars. When told it’s actually 200-thousand, Trump was like, "200-thousand-million?!?”

The federal government just released a 1,600-page report on climate change. Yep, leave it to America to release a report about saving the planet on 1,600 pieces of paper. Single-sided.

Today Trump threatened to permanently shut down the entire U.S.-Mexico border. In response, migrants said, “Relax man, we’re just trying to get to Canada.”

And finally, I heard about a man in South Dakota who left his wallet on a flight, and when it was returned to him, it had extra cash inside and a note that said “Have fun.” The man was like, “Awww -- wait, I had like three credit cards in here!”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.27.18

Well you guys, the holiday season is here, and I saw that tomorrow is the White House Christmas Tree Lighting. Though when Trump first sees a bunch of blinking lights outside, he’ll shout, “Oh God, it’s the FBI!”

But the White House just put up their official Christmas decorations, and the theme this year is “American Treasures.” Which sounds less like a theme, and more like a line of creepy dolls sold on QVC.

There are reports that Trump’s former campaign chairman Paul Manafort secretly met with the founder of Wikileaks right before Hillary’s hacked emails were released. Now I know that sounds suspicious, but that's because it’s very suspicious.

The CDC says it's now safe to eat romaine lettuce, as long as it’s not from central California. When people asked how to tell if the lettuce is from that area, officials said, “Eat it and see what happens.”

Check this out. A new study found that it takes about 1.7 days for a Lego to pass through the human body. The guy who ate it said it was painful, while Lego Batman said, “Hey, it’s no picnic for me either, buddy.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.28.18

Guys, tonight was the big Rockefeller Center Christmas tree lighting! There were thousands of people out on the plaza, and it was really nice watching parents show their kids the true meaning of claustrophobia.

The tree lighting is such a great tradition. It was fun for everyone, except the guy who waited 4 hours in the freezing cold – then sneezed and totally missed it.

But the tree is beautiful. It’s so pretty, you barely notice the 80-foot orange extension cord running from the star to the bottom.

Actually, I read that the star weighs 900 pounds and features 3 million crystals. Yup, 900 pounds and 3 million crystals -- or as guys from New Jersey call that, “A pinky ring.”

Tonight was also the Christmas tree lighting ceremony at the White House. President Trump said it’s the only time he can press a giant button without everyone in America being absolutely terrified.

This is interesting. If you wanted to go to the White House ceremony, you could get free tickets through an online lottery. Nobody did – but you COULD have.

I heard that Prince Harry feels “imprisoned” living in a royal palace. To be fair, you wouldn’t feel great either if you were 34 years-old and still crashing at your grandma’s.

Hey guys, I’m very excited about this. We have Macaulay Culkin on the show tonight! And this time he’s actually supposed to be in New York during the holidays.

From “Law & Order: SVU,” Ice T and Mariska Hargitay are here! It’s weird, earlier, I went to their dressing rooms to say hi but they had... gone missing.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.29.18

You guys, last night was the Christmas tree lighting in Rockefeller Center! And this year’s tree has over 50,000 lights. Which explains why NBC just told me I can’t use a hairdryer for the next month.

But it’s been a busy 24 hours for the president. Last night, Trump flipped on the Christmas tree lights – and today Michael Cohen flipped on Trump.

It’s big news. Cohen was one of Trump’s closest allies, and now he’s working with Mueller. I’m not saying Trump’s running out of friends, but today he asked Rosie O’Donnell if she wanted to get lunch.

Cohen says he’s cooperating with Mueller cuz he wants to put “family and country first.” Trump replied, “I totally agree. Wait – you’re talking about MY family, right?”

I saw that Starbucks is gonna start blocking adult websites from their WiFi networks. They said there’s a time and a place for that type of behavior, and it’s all day at Dunkin’ Donuts.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.30.18

You guys, this Sunday is the first night of Hanukkah! Which means we’re just two days away from President Trump going on Twitter and wishing everyone a “Happy Chaka Khan.”

Trump is down in Argentina for the G20 Summit, where he’s been met by lots of protesters. But Trump’s not worried -- he said, “It’s the southern hemisphere, so when people boo, it actually means the opposite.”

I heard that Trump canceled his meeting with Vladimir Putin at the summit. For Putin, it was like when you don’t wanna meet someone for brunch, then the other person bails first. “Sweet!”

Listen to this. Scientists are studying whether a male birth control gel could replace condoms. It works really well, cuz “birth control gel” sounds so gross, nobody will ever want to sleep with you.

That’s right, there’s a male birth control gel that can replace condoms. Here’s how it works: men apply the gel to themselves for about two minutes, then say, “You know what? I’m actually good.”

Get this. A Delta passenger says his pilot messaged him on a dating app while he was flying the plane. It’s pretty crazy – someone actually got the WiFi to work on a plane.