Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.25.19

Thanksgiving is just a few days away, and I saw that about 50 million people will be traveling for the holiday. Yeah, here’s how that breaks down: 10 million are visiting family, while 40 million are delivering weed to those 10 million.

According to a study conducted by Motel 6, people get sick of family during the holidays after about 4 hours. That’s interesting, but I prefer to get all my data from the scientists at La Quinta.

The weather this week is actually supposed to be so bad that it could mean no balloons at this year’s Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. If you’re bummed, think about the guy who spent the last 11 months blowing them up.

This year’s National Thanksgiving Turkeys are staying at a hotel in DC. Even crazier, Eric and Don Jr. are spending the week in a turkey coop.

The big news from this weekend is that former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has officially launched his presidential campaign. His new slogan is “Rebuild America.” Which is better than his first slogan: “More popular than de Blasio, less crazy than Giuliani.”

Bloomberg is worth around 54 BILLION dollars and he will be financing his own campaign. 54 BILLION! That’s crazy! To put that in perspective, that’s like adding up all the money Trump is worth and then adding 54 billion dollars.

The other big news from the weekend was Trump’s 53-minute phone call to “Fox & Friends.” That doesn’t include the first 20 minutes of the call where Trump kept yelling, “Representative!”

It was so nuts. Fox News actually ended the call. Which means the hosts of Fox & Friends were busier than the president of the United States.

This weekend, “Frozen 2” made over 130 million dollars! Which is why Elsa just announced she's running for president, and financing her own campaign.

There was a “Sopranos” convention in New Jersey. It was a lot of fun. There were people in tracksuits, smoking cigars, eating gabagool—then next door to that was the Sopranos convention.

It just came out that romaine lettuce has been linked to an E. coli outbreak. On the bright side, it looks like I’m just one salad away from losing all that Thanksgiving weight.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.26.19

Senator Bernie Sanders is my guest tonight! Right before the show, I heard Bernie talking backstage, which means he’s just five blocks away.

There was actually a fun moment before the show when our audio guy was putting a microphone on Bernie and he was like, “Trust me—I’m not gonna need that!”

In a new national poll, Bernie Sanders is ahead of President Trump by 1%. And that’s the only time you’ll ever hear Bernie Sanders say, “God bless the one percent!”

Trump pardoned a pair of turkeys named “Bread” and “Butter.” Or as Trump calls them, “The two essential food groups.”

You could actually go online and vote for which turkey got the “official” pardon, which is why Butter’s lawyer got caught in Ukraine trying to find dirt on Bread.

After they got pardoned, Bread and Butter were sent to a farm in Virginia known as “Gobbler’s Rest.” “Gobbler’s Rest”—which is also the nickname for Mitch McConnell’s neck.

A Phoenix man was arrested for stealing another man's burrito. Right now the man could face up to ten years in prison or of course extra if they find guacamole.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.27.19

I love Thanksgiving—it’s fun spending the day looking at passed out relatives and trying to guess—full, high or drunk.

Thanksgiving is almost here. Tomorrow you'll be patting, rubbing, and stuffing your turkey -- while today, the TSA did all of that to you.

Even though it’s Thanksgiving, tomorrow you can still go to Applebee’s, Boston Market, and Denny’s. It’s perfect if you just realized something’s not working—like your oven, your stove, or your marriage.

I saw that storms are already wreaking havoc across the country and the Northwest is getting hit with a bomb cyclone. That sounds like something your uncle says as he runs to the bathroom on Thanksgiving. “Lookout Jimmy! There’s about to be a bomb cyclone!”

The Northwest is dealing with a bomb cyclone, featuring 100 mile per hour winds, rain, and snow. So it looks like winter AND your in-laws showed up earlier than you wanted.

If you don’t live in the Northwest, but you still wanna experience a bomb cyclone, just walk into any TJ Maxx on Black Friday.

President Trump held a rally in Sunrise, Florida and he called the impeachment inquiry a “scam,” “a terrible hoax” and a “witch hunt.” People in the crowd were like, “Looks like we’re getting leftovers BEFORE Thanksgiving.”

Trump is currently at Mar-a-lago to celebrate Thanksgiving. He’s actually excited about the holiday cuz this year Eric and Don Jr, are gonna pull the wishbone and the loser will take the fall for Ukraine.

Some 2020 Democratic candidates have announced their Thanksgiving plans. I saw that Pete Buttigieg is going deer-hunting, Kamala Harris will be cheering on runners at a turkey trot and Bernie Sanders will tell his family what the Pilgrims were like at the first Thanksgiving.

Democrats will start drafting articles of impeachment against Trump. But this is nice. They’re gonna deliver the articles with one of those giant red bows you see in a Lexus commercial.

For the first time in years, Toys R Us is opening new stores. But when you go inside, it’s just one laptop connected to Amazon.

For Black Friday 23AndMe is offering 50% off DNA tests. That’s how you know you had a rough Thanksgiving with the family—when the first thing you buy is a DNA test to prove you’re not related.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.28.19

I love Thanksgiving—it’s that special time where you spend half the day complaining about driving then the other half wishing you were back on the road.

Millions of Americans are stuffed, and the holidays are just starting. Yeah, as we speak, everyone’s Peloton is being slowly turned into a clothing rack.

In the early days of the parade, they just let the balloons fly away at the end. Which is why Thanksgiving in New Jersey was known as, “The day the sky monsters came.”

Hundreds of volunteer clowns marched in the parade. Yeah, cuz after “It: Chapter 2” and “Joker,” that’s definitely what you want running up to your kids.

We saw the New Orleans Saints take on the Atlanta Falcons. And this was nice—the Falcons wore a patch on their jerseys in memory of all the birds we lost today.

The Falcons play in Mercedes-Benz Stadium. And the Saints play in the Mercedes-Benz Superdome. While the Cincinnati Bengals play in the Hyundai Abandoned Field.

President Trump had Thanksgiving dinner at Mar-a-Lago. At one point during the meal, Trump built a wall around his turkey with mashed potatoes to prevent any vegetables from getting in.

I saw that Amazon is having huge deals on vacuums and crockpots. It’s being described as the best Black Friday deal of 1979.

Monopoly just released a “Longest Game Ever” edition, where the only way to win is to buy all 66 properties in the game. So if you didn’t get into a fight with your family on Thanksgiving, this oughta do it!

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.1.19

After spending 12 hours on Thanksgiving eating, drinking and watching football, it was nice to relax today with 12 hours of eating, drinking and watching football.

There were some big match-ups today. You had “Oakland vs. Kansas City,” “San Francisco vs. Baltimore,” and “Americans vs. their Bathroom Scale.”

The New England Patriots played the Houston Texans. For the Texans, it was the biggest game of the year. For the Patriots, it was a short layover in Houston on the way to the Super Bowl.

The Houston Texans have one of the biggest JumboTrons in the NFL. Even crazier, they bought it on Black Friday for a hundred bucks.

It’s officially the holiday season and everyone is in the spirit—even the Jets gift-wrapped the Bengals their first win of the season.

The winless Cincinnati Bengals played the New York Jets. When fans in Cincinnati yelled, “You suck!” both teams were like, “Wait—are you yelling at us, or at them?”

Ever since a black cat ran onto the field during Monday Night Football a month ago, teams with “cat” names were 0 and 12 heading into today. And this only proves...that there’s a stat guy who definitely didn’t bring a date home for Thanksgiving.

The Giants hosted the Green Bay Packers for a game in the snow in New Jersey. You could tell it was cold when both quarterbacks had their hands under the centers’ butt even during the commercials.

The weather was brutal today with snow, ice and rain slowing down one of the busiest travel days of the year. Flight delays ranged between one hour and “The Irishman” on Netflix.

I read that about 30 million people flew for Thanksgiving. It sounds like a lot until you realize 50 million booked tickets.

The day before Thanksgiving, a woman actually gave birth on an American Airlines flight. While it was happening, the guy next to her was like, “You know what? I will buy those headphones.”