News

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' November 19 – November 22

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.19.18

Well you guys, this Thursday is Thanksgiving, and tomorrow Trump is pardoning a turkey. Then after the ceremony, the turkey will be sent to live on a farm upstate with Jeff Sessions.

Americans actually get to vote on which turkey Trump pardons, and I saw that the two finalists are named Peas and Carrots. When he heard they’re named after vegetables, Trump was like, “Forget it, they’re both goners.”

That’s right, Americans can vote on which turkey gets pardoned. You can tell the turkeys wanna drag it out as long as possible, cuz today they asked if that vote could happen in Florida.

In an interview with Fox News, Trump said that he’s planning his first visit to a war zone. The troops were glad to hear it, until they realized he’s talking about Walmart on Black Friday.

Actually, the TSA just released a list of items you can and can’t take on a plane for Thanksgiving. You can take a frozen turkey, but only if it’s an emotional support frozen turkey.

I saw that Mickey Mouse just turned 90 years old. You can tell he’s getting old, cuz every night he wakes up five times to visit “Splash Mountain.”

I heard about an IKEA in Italy that lets stray dogs come in during the winter. Which explains why their meatballs taste WAY different than every other IKEA.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.20.18

Thanksgiving’s almost here! Earlier today, President Trump pardoned a turkey at the White House. And I read that before the ceremony, the turkey was shampooed and dusted with baby powder to make him glisten. It’s very interesting, cuz every morning the White House staff does the same thing to Trump.

Trump left Washington to spend Thanksgiving at Mar-a-Lago. When they heard that, every White House staffer said, “Now that’s something I’m REALLY thankful for!”

But Thanksgiving with the Trumps is great. Guests have the option of “white meat” or “even whiter meat.”

This Thursday is the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade! I saw that the weather’s expected to be very cold and windy. NBC has a plan if they can’t fly the balloons: Show last year’s parade and hope nobody notices.

Some news out of Washington. It just came out that Ivanka Trump used her own personal email account to send hundreds of official work messages. When she found out, Hillary Clinton started mashing potatoes – with her bare hands.

And finally, I saw that tomorrow is called “Weed Wednesday,” because marijuana sales skyrocket the day before Thanksgiving. You’ll know you're stoned at Thanksgiving when you go to loosen your belt buckle and realize you’re not wearing pants.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.21.18

You guys, tomorrow is Thanksgiving! And I saw that a record 30 million Americans are flying this year. When the airlines heard that, they were like, “Yeah, we’ll see about that.”

I heard that 50 million people are traveling by car. Thanksgiving car rides are great, cuz after fighting with your extended family all day, it’s nice to get back to fighting with your immediate family.

Well after Thanksgiving, the holiday shopping season officially begins! It’s when everyone has to decide: do I wanna get trampled on Black Friday, or have my identity stolen on Cyber Monday?

Did you guys hear about this? Health officials want everyone to throw away their romaine lettuce because it might have E. coli. In response, iceberg lettuce was like, “Well well well, look who came crawling back.”

The Russia investigation is in full swing, and I read that President Trump just submitted his written answers to Robert Mueller’s questions. And this is weird – for every answer, all he wrote was “No hablo ingles.”

Ikea just announced that they’re cutting 7,500 jobs. Ikea workers weren’t happy – they were like, “This is furgen bollsharf!”

In a new interview, Patriots quarterback Tom Brady said if he could choose someone to play him in a movie, it would be Mark Wahlberg. It makes sense cuz by law, every movie about someone in Boston has to be played by Mark Wahlberg.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.22.18

JERRY SEINFELD:

Today was the 92nd Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade – and one of the coldest parades in decades. It was so cold, SpongeBob’s nipples got so hard they popped the other balloons.

I read that this year’s parade featured over 42,000 different costumes. Or as that’s also known, “One Lady Gaga show.”

And I heard that the parade had over 1,000 clowns, and it got creepy when Macy’s said, “Wait, we only hired 100 clowns...”

I heard about a trend this Thanksgiving where people made “tiny turkeys.” Yeah, “tiny turkeys.” You may know them by their other name: chicken.