Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.12.18

You guys, Jamie Foxx is my guest tonight! His new movie “Robin Hood” tells the story of a man who steals from the rich and gives to the poor. Or as Bernie Sanders put it, “How did I not get that part?!”

Let’s get to some news. President Trump was in France this weekend to mark the 100th anniversary of World War I, but he canceled his visit to a memorial because it was raining. Even worse, when he heard some thunder, Trump yelled, “Oh my God - the war’s not over!”

Well, it turns out though, the whole thing was a big misunderstanding. When someone told Trump, “It’s Stormy outside,” he said, “I’ve already paid her what more does she want!”

You guys, I heard that during his trip, a topless female protester ran in front of Trump’s motorcade. One Secret Service agent tackled her so that she couldn’t get to Trump, while another tackled Trump so HE couldn’t get to HER.

Guys, check this out. Over the weekend, a city in Nevada broke a world record by making a 5,000-pound serving of nachos. It was fun until a guy tried to grab one chip then dragged all 5,000 pounds onto his plate.

And finally, a teenager just set a new world record by solving three Rubik's cubes at the same time. Afterward, he went out to celebrate with his best friends: those three Rubik’s cubes.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.13.18

Let’s get to some news here, guys. I heard that President Trump wants to fire his Chief of Staff, John Kelly. Yeah, Kelly was shocked. He was like, “Wait, I haven’t already been fired?”

There are also reports that Trump wants to fire his Homeland Security Secretary, Kirstjen Nielsen. When asked who he’d like to run Homeland Security, Trump said, “Claire Danes.”

Here’s a big story. This morning, CNN filed a lawsuit against President Trump. When he found out, Trump was furious. He was like, “Crap, did I sleep with CNN?”

Guys, I read that New York street food vendors are gonna get letter grades from the health inspector starting next month. Which means we all have 30 more days to enjoy hot dogs for the very last time.

That’s right, health inspectors will give New York street food vendors letter grades. So if you see a street cart with the letters “A” “B” or “C,” that’s just the type of Hepatitis you’ll get.

And finally, I saw that Monopoly just released a new version of their game called “Monopoly for Millennials.” It’s just like the original, except everyone starts out with $60,000 of college debt.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.14.18

Let’s get to some news here. I read that since last week’s midterms, President Trump has been acting sad and upset. But his staffers are doing everything they can to cheer him up. Today, they even re-hired Jeff Sessions just so Trump could fire him again.

Actually, I read that Trump’s been in such a bad mood, that his staffers are avoiding him. It gets awkward when they try to hide in a broom closet, only to hear Melania say, “Get your own spot!”

And if Trump wasn’t already depressed enough, today, Fox News said they support CNN in their lawsuit against him. Trump is so mad, that today he told Sean Hannity to come over and pick up his CDs.

First the midterms didn’t go Trump’s way, and now Fox News is against him. Today, Vladimir Putin was like, “Is bad time to tell him I support Bernie in 2020.”

Guys, listen to this. Over the weekend, a man in New Jersey was charged with a DUI, and he told police that the reason he drank so much was “because the Jets suck.” That story again: A man in New Jersey has been drunk for 50 years.

Actually, the man was driving while drunk AND high. When asked why he was also smoking weed, he said, “Well, the Giants suck too.”

And finally you guys, Thanksgiving is next week! And I heard about a new recipe where you can make a turkey that’s covered in glitter. If you wanna pick one up, you can get them in the freezer aisle of your local strip club.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.15.18

Well you guys, a lot of the country got snow today, including Washington D.C. President Trump spent the whole morning watching the news to see if work was canceled.

That’s right, it snowed at the White House. There was an awkward moment when Trump offered a kid 10 bucks to shovel the driveway, and it turned out to be Jeff Sessions.

Get this. It just came out that Trump mocks Fox News host Sean Hannity behind his back for being a “suck up.” When he heard that, Hannity was like, “Wow, that is SUCH a smart observation Mr. President!”

I heard that Trump wants to raise tariffs on French wine, but since his son Eric runs an American winery, it could be a conflict of interest. Then Trump said, “That’s crazy, I have no interest in my son Eric.

Listen to this. After two years, the CEO of Victoria’s Secret announced that she’s leaving. No one’s happier about it than her husband, cuz he’s been waiting outside for her the whole time.

This is interesting. Starting next year, grocery stores might start carrying food with genetically-altered DNA. It gets weird when you say, “This apple looks good,” and the apple goes, “Thanks.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.16.18

Hey guys, Thanksgiving is less than a week away! Which means, if you haven’t left for the airport by now, you’re screwed.

Let’s get to some news here. I heard that President Trump is going to meet with North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un after the New Year. It makes sense because Trump’s New Year’s Resolution is to appreciate the little things.

That’s right, Trump and Kim Jong-Un are planning to get together after New Year’s. It’s interesting because when most people say, “Let’s get together after New Year’s,” they really mean, “Let’s never get together.”

I saw that today, Trump presented the Medal of Freedom to seven people, including Babe Ruth. When asked why he chose Babe Ruth, Trump said, “He’s a legend -- it was his idea to combine peanuts, caramel, AND nougat.”

Hey, it was announced that the final season of “Game of Thrones” will debut next April. Fans said they’re excited to reunite with the characters they’ve loved over the past 8 years...and watch them all die horribly.

Listen to this, guys. A man in Japan just spent $18,000 to marry a cartoon hologram. That explains why her side of the aisle didn’t have any friends...and why his side didn’t either.

Check this out. For the holidays, I saw that Jimmy Dean is giving away wrapping paper that smells like sausage. It’s being called the most festive way to make sure your dog destroys everything under the tree.