Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.17.19

I hope everyone had a great Father’s Day! Like a lot of people, I spent the day on FaceTime, looking up my dad’s nose.

O.J. Simpson joined Twitter. If you thought Trump on Twitter was scary – wait until you get a notification that says, “O.J. Simpson is now following you.”

O.J. made a Twitter account, and he’s already got over 600 thousand followers. That’s more followers than when he was driving the White Bronco.

Even crazier -- O.J. just got a message from Trump asking if he’d be the White House Press Secretary.

The big news about the president right now is his interview with George Stephanopoulos. Last night, ABC aired a special called “President Trump: 30 Hours,” about the two days they spent together. I mean, 30 hours! They were together at the White House, then they took a trip on Air Force One, then they rode in Trump’s limo. It was like an “overnight date” on the Bachelorette.

Later this year, Domino’s is gonna start testing self-driving delivery cars. Yeah, self-driving delivery cars. If your pizza doesn’t crash into your house in less than 30 minutes, it’s free.

Pillsbury is recalling bags of flour due to an outbreak of E-Coli. So if you poke the Doughboy’s stomach, trust me, it’s not gonna be laughter that comes out.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.18.19

Trump launched his 2020 campaign with a huge rally. It was going well, until Trump started kicking out every person who coughed. “Get out! You in the balcony, get out!”

Trump drew a big crowd. He said thousands of supporters were lined up outside the arena two days before the rally. It’s kind of a strange thing to brag about. On one hand, thousands of people waited two days to see you, but on the other hand, none of them have jobs.

Facebook is coming out with its own cryptocurrency called “Libra.” Yeah, the company that can’t even keep your data safe now wants to keep your money. It’s like someone dropping a carton of eggs, then asking if they can hold your baby.

A United flight from Italy to Newark was infested with ants, after a bunch of them spilled out of a passenger’s carry-on. The other passengers were like, “We had to throw out our shampoo, but that guy got to bring ants??”

Actually, it explains the new slogan for Spirit Airlines “Spirit: Somehow We’re Not The Ones Infested With Ants.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.19.19

We are just two days away from the official start of summer! Which means kids are forced to take those summer jobs nobody else wants -- pool cleaner, delivery boy, White House Press Secretary.

Last night was the president’s first official 2020 campaign rally and festival – or as his supporters were calling it, “Wall-a-palooza.”

Trump filled up an arena in Orlando and gave a big speech. He spent most of the time bashing immigrants, journalists and Hillary Clinton. Meanwhile, everyone watching at home was like, “Is this a summer rerun? I’ve seen this before.”

The White House says Trump is gonna keep using the slogan “Make America Great Again,” and wearing his usual red hat. It’s like when your kid only wants to wear that one superhero outfit to school, and you’re like, “Whatever gets you on the bus.”

Trump is doing his first interview with Telemundo, and it’ll air tomorrow night. It’ll be a little different. For example, ABC’s interview was called “President Trump: 30 Hours,” and this one’s called, “El Presidente Loco.”

Trump is sitting down with Telemundo. It’ll be awkward when the reporter says, “Buenas dias,” and Trump’s like, “Oh, are you related to Cameron Diaz?”

A lot of people are surprised that Trump would get together with a Spanish-speaking channel, but the president was like, “If Katy Perry and Taylor Swift can make up, so can we.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.20.19

Tomorrow is the official start of summer! I’m very excited -- but my legs are still so pale. They’re so white, I’ve nicknamed them “Utah” and “NPR.”

My legs are so white they could have their own show on Fox News.

The big story now is Iran. Apparently this morning, Iran shot down a U.S. drone. When they told the president, he was like, “Oh my God, they got Mike Pence?!” They go, “No no, that drone is fine!”

Iran shot down an unmanned drone, they said they wanted to send America a “clear message,” but Trump was like, “Everyone knows if you wanna send the U.S. a message, you do it on Twitter. Everyone knows that!”

An Iranian General named Hossein Salami says they’re ready for war. Trump’s already got troops in Turkey ready for action, but Putin’s warning the White House against a conflict. So if you’re keeping track: we’ve got Salami and turkey on white, hold the Russian.

Reporters asked Trump if the U.S. is gonna strike back at Iran, and Trump said, “You’ll soon find out.” That’s reassuring – the president is treating war with Iran like a cliffhanger on “The Bachelorette.”