Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.29.19

Shark Week is officially here, and if you’re excited about that, you’re either a marine biologist, or you’re really high.

Shark Week started back in 1988. It’s been around for over 30 years! Even crazier, they’ve just been airing the same ten shows and nobody’s noticed.

Every year, there are about 80 unprovoked shark attacks, or as President Trump calls that, “a weekend.”

Trump loves Shark Week. It’s the one time he can tweet “I love Great Whites” without being called a racist.

This week, there are two more Democratic debates, and tomorrow’s airs at the same time as “The Bachelorette” finale, so no matter which one you watch, you’ll see a bunch of sad guys going home in a limo.

There are rumors that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle have banned their neighbors from talking to them, apparently, neighbors aren’t even allowed to say “good morning.” Right now you’re thinking, “That’s rude,” but you’re also a liiiiiiittle jealous.

Soon, Teslas will be able to stream Netflix on the car’s center display. It’s all part of Tesla’s plan to cut down on emissions AND pedestrians.

A woman in Tennessee was staying at a Hampton Inn, and she woke up when a snake slithered across her body. Hampton Inn is defending itself -- they were like, “Well, did our wake-up call work or not?!”

Tonight on the show, we have the winner of the Fortnite World Cup Championship, Kyle ‘Bugha’ Giersdorf! He’s 16 years-old, and he just won 3 million dollars! Right now, parents everywhere are going, “Put down your homework and go play video games!”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.30.19

When the Fab Five saw Bernie Sanders at tonight’s debate, even they were like, “There’s nothing we can do.”

A poll said 34 percent of Democrats were “very motivated” to watch this week’s debates, but that number dropped to four percent when Democrats remembered it’s Shark Week.

While the debate was on CNN, ABC was showing the finale of “The Bachelorette.” You could tell some people were confused -- halfway through the debate, Luke P. burst on stage and proposed to Elizabeth Warren.

It just came out that Siri has actually been recording people when they have sex. Not only that, FitBits also count how many steps you take on your walk of shame.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.31.19

Dwayne Johnson is my guest tonight! He stars in the new film, “Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw.” Meanwhile, at tonight’s debate it was “Slow & Serious Presents: Biden & Kamala.”

Tonight was part two of the Democratic debate, featuring Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, and eight other candidates who were like, “Oh my God, I’m so close to Joe and Kamala!”

After two days and six hours, this round of debates is finally done. It was actually a nice change of pace - usually when people watch six hours of CNN, it means their flight was cancelled.

This is the last time we’ll see so many candidates on the debate stage, because going forward, it’ll be harder to qualify. Until now, getting on stage was like getting a job at Walmart -- next time, it’ll be like getting a job at Target.

There was a lot of big moments in the first debate, but probably the biggest was between Elizabeth Warren and John Delaney. After he kept arguing against her proposals, she fired back. Then Delaney turned to camera and was like, “If you’re watching at home, my name is Cory Booker.”

A Delta pilot was removed from a flight because people thought he’d been drinking. Flight attendants got suspicious becuase he couldn’t steer with two 40s duct-taped to his hands.

A new study found that kids see bearded men as strong, but unattractive. The study raises a lot of questions, like, “Why the hell are we asking kids if they find bearded men attractive?!”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.1.19

Tonight on NBC, we had the first NFL preseason game between the Broncos and the Falcons! If you enjoyed watching people hit each other, you probably loved last night’s debate.

A lot of people are talking about Biden’s age, because there was also an awkward moment when he confused his campaign website with a text message. Bernie Sanders was watching at home going, “Bingo! I have Bingo!”

Even though he’s been struggling, Biden is STILL the front-runner by almost 20 points. I guess Democrats want to fight fire with fire -- they’re like, “The only way to stop a guy in his 70s who can’t with a guy in his 70s who can’t speak.”

A new study found that the moon is actually 100 million years older than we thought. You can tell the moon is a lot older because it ended the night by telling supporters to visit its website, “Moon-3-oh-3-3-oh.”