Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.29.19

What a weekend! We had “Avengers: Endgame” in theaters, and the Battle of Winterfell on “Game of Thrones!” It was the first time kids had to tell their parents, “Okay, that’s enough screen time.”

Fans had some strong reactions to the Avengers. I read about a woman in China who cried so much during the movie that she started hyperventilating and had to go to the Emergency Room. Her husband was like, “She did the same thing when we saw ‘The Emoji Movie.’”

It just came out that in the first 24 hours of his campaign, Joe Biden raised 6.3 million dollars and he did it in an interesting way – he stood outside a movie theater and said, “Gimme a thousand bucks or I’ll ruin the Avengers for you!”

A whale wearing an electronic device was spotted off the coast of Norway, and experts think it was spying for Russia. When reached for comment, Vladimir Putin was like, “In Russia, not even Willy is free.”

I saw that the CIA just launched their own account on Instagram. Yeah, it sounds cool until you get a notification that says, “The CIA is now following you.”

This week, the Emperor of Japan is giving up the throne. If you wanna know more - just read the 50 articles about it that Prince Charles taped to the Queen’s fridge.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.30.19

From the movie, “Long Shot,” Charlize Theron is my guest tonight! The film’s already made history, it’s the first movie in 10 years without any Avengers.

Joe Biden's in first place by 24 percent. Biden’s pretty proud – today he gave himself a pat, a squeeze, and a rub on the back.

A few candidates, like John Hickenlooper, are actually polling at zero percent. Zero percent, it’s crazy -- not even John Hickenlooper supports John Hickenlooper.

Last night, Biden had his first rally, and he introduced himself as “Jill Biden’s husband.” But only cuz he was told to stop calling himself “Barack Obama’s bro-ham.”

Beto O’Rourke is also in the news. He just visited Yosemite National Park, and called it a quote, “religious experience.” It’s the same thing President Trump said after visiting the M&M store.

Well the president’s also gearing up for 2020 and I heard Donald Trump Jr.’s girlfriend, Kimberly Guilfoyle, is joining the campaign as a senior adviser. Yep, while Don Jr. will remain in his role – unpaid intern.

Today, Trump met with Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer, and they agreed to work on a two trillion dollar infrastructure plan to build roads, bridges, and highways or as Nancy Pelosi put it, “Anything but a wall.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.1.19

We are just four days away from Cinco de Mayo! But today William Barr was like, “I’m gonna need a margarita PRONTO.”

I saw that this morning, in under an hour, President Trump retweeted over 60 tweets. Which is why he spent the rest of the day with a tiny little ice pack on each thumb.

Trump was going crazy on Twitter because a big firefighters union decided to endorse Joe Biden instead of him. Trump was like, “It’s crazy -- I love firemen! I mean, no one loves to fire men more than me.”

Starting today, smoking is banned inside all Disney theme parks. When they heard, all the people in costume were like, “Whatever – we switched to edibles years ago.”

Instagram might get rid of “likes,” cuz they want users to quote, “focus on the photos and videos.” While users want Instagram to focus on what it’s really made for: making your friends jealous.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.2.19

There’s a lot to talk about, but let’s start with the Kentucky Derby. It’s this Saturday, and it should be fun. There’s nothing more exciting than a two-minute race that decides whether or not your kids go to college.

I heard NBC is gonna have four hours of coverage before the race. Yeah, four hours leading up to two exciting minutes -- or as that’s also known: prom.

This year’s race features one favorite and 19 long shots – which pretty much sums up the Democrats running for president.

I heard you can actually buy a jar of manure from a winning Derby horse for 200 dollars. So if you’re looking for that perfect Mother’s Day present -- keep looking.

This weekend is also Cinco de Mayo! Yeah, Cinco de Mayo – it’s the Super Bowl of accidentally racist office parties!

I heard that Joe Jonas just married “Game of Thrones” actress Sophie Turner in a surprise ceremony performed by an Elvis impersonator. Yeah, it was right in the middle of the last “Game of Thrones” episode -- we just couldn’t see it.

Everybody’s talking about how William Barr skipped a hearing in Congress cuz he didn’t wanna face another day of questioning. At one point, he tried hiding in a White House closet, but Melania was like, “Hey! Get your own place!”

I wanna say Happy Birthday to Spongebob Squarepants, who just turned 20. You can tell he’s getting old, because today they changed his name to SpongeBob DadJeans.

A Domino’s employee in Texas was arrested for punching his co-worker after he told him an “Avengers” spoiler. Police tried to take a statement from the victim, but as soon as he started talking, they were like,“No no no no no!”

I read that New Zealand accents were just ranked the sexiest in the world and then everyone from Boston was like, “Oh my GAWD! Are you friggin' kidding me? This crap is wicked rigged!"

According to NASA, there’s a giant asteroid named after the God of Death that’s currently plummeting towards Earth. Anyway...enjoy Cinco de Mayo, everyone!