“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – According to a Fox News poll, 51% of Americans support impeaching President Trump. And you know its bad cuz Fox news barely talked about their own poll. I saw the poll all over MSNBC, when I flipped over to Fox News, they were decorating cakes.

JOST – Giluani’s two associates are also successful entrepreneurs. Igor, the handsome one, owns a club in Ukraine that’s called, Mafia Rave, which I think counts as a full confession. And Lev, the shy one, owns a security business called, I swear to you, Fraud Guarantee.

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – You think after this whole impeachment thing is over, we can just take a year off from Presidents? Just to clear our heads a little and not rush in to someone horrible. Right now, my standards are so low, I saw Bernie Sanders have a heart attack and I was like, maybe him? He seems tough.

JOST – Joe Biden for the first time called for President Trump to be impeached and removed from office. After he finally realized that the Joe Biden Trump keeps attacking, was him.

JOST – California has passed a new college law that will allow college athletes to earn money from the use of their name and likeness. This is great news for top California collegiate athletes like Aunt Becky’s daughter.

CHE – The owner of the Jacksonville Jaguars announced that he will be a majority investor in a new twenty-four hour news network aimed at African American viewers. Unfortunately, they’ve named it CNN-word.

JOST – Astronauts on the international Space Station successfully created meat using a 3-D printer. And after eating it, they created a fourth “D” – diarrhea.

JOST – A Florida man was arrested after he caught an alligator and tried to get it drunk. Worse, the man calls himself Crocodile Cosby.

CHE – A British woman, who is a vegan, called the police on her friends after she claims they tricked her into eating chicken nuggets by saying they were plant-based. She knew she’d been tricked when the nuggets tasted good.

JOST – At a gathering of Bishops, Pope Francis suggested that the Vatican may consider dropping celibacy requirements for some priests. Then rushed back to the mic to add, “with adult women.”

CHE - Florida police arrested a woman who was riding her bike with a glass pipe hidden in her buttocks. They were able to catch up to her after she turned onto a very bumpy road.