“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – President Trump announced that he is changing his permanent residence from New York to Florida. 'Cuz you know what they say: if you can't drain the swamp, move to it.
JOST – I gotta say, it's such a genius troll move that Trump raised taxes for New Yorkers and then left New York. It's like ripping one in an elevator, then pressing all the buttons and running out.
“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – I don't blame Trump for moving. He got booed today in New York at the UFC fight. He got booed in DC at the World Series. Now he's moving to Florida so he can probably get booed at Disney World. He gets booed everywhere he's ever lived. I mean, even Cosby can still play Philly.
CHE – By the way, you gotta be a special kind of guy for New Yorkers to unanimously hate you. We put up with a lot of bad people. Just today, I had a fella yell the n-word at me on the subway with a hard "er," and even still, I don't "hate" him. I just finished peeing and switched cars.
JOST – Beto O'Rourke announced he's dropping out of the 2020 presidential race. Said Beto: "Ay, caramba! No hay Presidente para mí."
CHE – Well, ya know things are going great when a state is on fire, and that’s like the third biggest story of the week. It's being reported now, the most recent wildfire in Southern California is threatening millions of dollars worth of avocados. White women are devastated.
CHE – A forensic pathologist hired by Jeffrey Epstein's family is claiming that his death was not a suicide, but that he was murdered. Everybody has a crazy conspiracy theory for this fella's death. “Oh, the Clintons had him killed! Trump had him killed! The Russians did it!” Anything but the boring, likely story that he broke his own neck trying to masturbate with a belt.
JOST – Freshman Representative Katie Hill resigned amid allegations that she had an affair with a staff member, who had a three-way relationship with HiII and her former husband. It’s a shame, because Hill was the rare politician who could heIp two parties come together.
JOST – Elizabeth Warren released a detailed plan for funding Medicare for all that promises not to raise middle class taxes by one penny, but instead by several trillion pennies.
JOST – A law has been proposed in New York City banning the sale of the delicacy foie gras, which is traditionally made by force-feeding ducks. Though in New York, it's made whenever a pigeon falls into boiling hot dog water.
CHE – Apple has introduced nearly sixty new emoji characters including a skunk, an oyster, and a drop of blood. Which coincidentally, is the exact recipe for Mountain Dew.
JOST – A staircase in the Bronx that was featured in the movie "Joker" has become a major tourist attraction—especially among couples where the girlfriend has no say.
JOST – The University of Arizona announced that it will stop referring to itself as U of A and now be known as, "UArizona. " Is it just me or does “UArizona" sound like the punchline to a joke about Arizona stereotypes. "If you've ever gotten a DUI in a golf cart—UArizona."
CHE – A sixty-seven year old woman in China gave birth this week. The birth set a record for "most friction.” See? You guys don't realize it, but that joke took me like four hours to write! I had much better punchlines, but the fellas at NBC standards said they were all too dirty. Like at first, I was gonna say "WeIl, I hope that kid likes his milk chalky!” But they said you can't say that on TV. It was my second favorite punchline, my first favorite being, “She can breastfeed just by standing over the crib." That's a good one, right?! NBC said "too gross," which is ridiculous. “Too gross” would be like if I said, "Doctors described the birth as, quote, like pulling a penny out of a wad of gum.” Now that's too gross. Even I wouldn’t tell that joke on TV.