“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – Former US Ambassador Marie Yovanovitch testified yesterday at the impeachment hearing and you know she made Trump nervous because he tweeted this during her testimony. "Everywhere Marie Yovanovitch went turned bad. She started off in Somalia, how did that go?" Well as long as we’re talking about track record, Trump started off in Atlantic City, how did that go?

JOST - Lawyers for President Trump have filed an appeal to the Supreme Court to keep his tax returns secret. So you know they're bad. This is like if your girlfriend asked to see your texts and you just threw your phone in the ocean.

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – Yesterday Roger Stone was found guilty of multiple federal crimes and I don’t know if you’ll remember, but this guy once put out an ad on the internet looking for muscular, well hung black men so…jackpot?

JOST – Sad news this week as Sean Spicer was eliminated from Dancing with the Stars. President Trump tweeted his support for Spicer saying, “A great try by Sean we are all proud of you.” But Sean, if you're watching ,no we're not.

CHE – Free agent quarterback Colin Kaepernick held a private workout today to show that he can still play on an NFL team and if he can't, he'll have to settle for playing with the New York Giants.

JOST – Italy will become the first country in the world to make it mandatory for schools to teach children about climate change. Because, as Italian scientists put it, the earth is about to become one-a-spicy­ meata-ball!

JOST- The largest Starbucks in the world opened Friday in Chicago. The news was first reported in Hobo Bathroom Quarterly.

CHE – Sesame Street has turned 50 years old, which explains why Big Bird got Botox.

CHE - During the Chinese shopping holiday known as Singles Day, which celebrates people who are single, shoppers spent 1 billion dollars in the first 60 seconds. Coincidentally, blowing a big wad in the first 60 seconds is why many of those people are single in the first place.

JOST – Beaches in southwestern France have been shut down after mysterious bricks of cocaine keep washing on shore. Prompting questions like, “Which beaches?” and “Where exactly?”

CHE – A man in Iowa went to a medical clinic for a circumcision and was instead given a vasectomy was awarded two million dollars. Plus tip.

JOST - The world's first infinity pool with a 360 degree view has opened in London on top of a skyscraper. Perfect for anyone who wants to fall to their death playing Marco Polo.