“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “Well this season of SNL started in 2018, but it looks like it’s going to end somewhere back in the 1970’s.”
“WEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “China retaliated to President Trump’s tariffs by imposing their own tariffs on products that the U.S sells to China. Wait, what the hell do we sell to China, besides Marvel movies and credit card debt?” Listen, I’ve never been to China, but I have been to Chinatown and one thing I can tell you is that anything we have, they can just make for themselves. All they gotta do is change one letter and sell a billion “Abble Watches.”
JOST – “Jared Kushner and Stephen Miller who both have resting evil face, have spent months together working on the Trump Administration’s immigration plan. What I wouldn’t give to be a fly on that wall watching all the other flies swarm around their master.”
JOST – “In a plan backed by the Trump Administration, NASA has announced it would send the first woman to the moon by 2024. Unfortunately, it’s against her will. It’s a plan they’re calling LAUNCH HER UP.”
CHE – “Actress Alyssa Milano has called on women to go on a sex strike to protest restrictive new abortion laws. But I just don’t think these Republican Senators are getting Alyssa Milano level sex at home. I bet if their wives said. “I’m on a sex strike!” They’d be like “Cool…I’ll be at the airport men’s room, don’t wait up for me."
CHE – "Comedian Chris Rock is teaming up with Lionsgate on a reboot of the movie “Saw,” which I assume he will be recalling “Seent.”
JOST – "A new survey ranks the Boston accent as one of the sexiest accents in America, but keep in mind the survey was conducted by “Catastrophic Hearing Loss” magazine."
JOST – "Conservatives are upset over a new episode of the PBS children’s cartoon “Arthur” in which Arthur’s teacher is revealed to be gay. Meanwhile, no one seems to care that Peppa Pig’s head is a full on penis."
JOST – "A student in Texas, who is nicknamed “White Lightning,” set a high school record by running the 100 meter dash in 9.98 seconds. Coincidentally, people call me white lightning because I also finish in under ten seconds."
CHE – "Doctors in Iowa have confirmed a dog disease that can be passed on to humans. Fine. I’ll wear a condom."
JOST – "A new report finds that as people move into formerly wild areas of Africa, human activity is disrupting chimpanzee “culture.” Incidentally, “chimpanzee culture” is also what my grandpa calls hip hop."
CHE – "Pope Francis ended a Vatican summit by promising the Catholic Church would confront the clergy sex abuse “head-on” instead of their usual way “face down, ass up.”
JOST – "A substitute teacher in North Carolina has resigned after she reportedly told a class of elementary school students that Martin Luther King, Jr. killed himself. In her defense, he is the one who decided to keep running his mouth."