“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – I don’t know who’s gonna win the nomination, but watching white people fight over these old dudes is hilarious. I don’t even care who wins, just as long as they beat Trump. I’m not even really a Democrat, I just vote, “Not Republican.” Democrats are like condoms to me. I mean, I’ll use them ‘cause it’s safer, I guess. But it doesn’t feel good.
CHE – You know, I found out that the odds of us catching coronavirus are about as high as us ending up on “Saturday Night Live,” and here we are, Colin. So, we both gonna catch it. Eh, we had a good run, I mean, we accomplished a lot. Hey, could you believe we both almost got to marry Scarlett Johansson?
“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – It was announced Friday that South by Southwest has been cancelled because of the coronavirus. Meanwhile, coronavirus is set to headline Coachella.
CHE – NASA announced that it is looking for people from “diverse backgrounds” to become astronauts for future missions to Mars. Good luck getting black people on a ship to a new world.
JOST – Students at Penn State held a candlelight vigil for a campus Taco Bell that is closing. Because after you eat Taco Bell, it never hurts to light a candle.
CHE – A North Carolina woman celebrated her 100th birthday by asking a sheriff deputy to arrest her for the first time ever and take her to jail. And no need to look it up, she’s white.
JOST – Relatives of an eleven year-old boy in England were fined after they got fed up with the boy playing Grand Theft Auto too much and let him drive a real car. Also fed up: the prostitutes he tried to run over.