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HIGHLIGHTS FROM "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'S WEEKEND UPDATE WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE" March 30, 2019

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “This week, Apple introduced a new credit card and also a new streaming service. And also, what is Apple trying to do? They already listen to everything we say, and now they want to control out money and everything we watch? Who’s the CEO of Apple? Ike Turner?”

CHE – “Singer Alanis Morissette announced on Instagram Monday that she is pregnant. I guess she forgot to take her jagged little pill.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “A 20 year-old woman in Bangladesh with two uteruses gave birth to twins 26 days after giving birth to her first child. This according to her vagina's suicide note.”

CHE – “Police in Florida say that they owner of a pet zebra shot and killed the animal after it escaped from its enclosure. Finally answering the question, ‘What’s black and white and red all over?’”

CHE – “This week marks the tenth anniversary of the same-sex dating app Grindr. Which has all but replaced the old way of finding discreet gay hookups: church camp.”

JOST – “McDonald’s has announced plans for new digital menus at their drive-thrus that will offer customers suggestions based on what they ordered. For instance, if you order a salad, it will suggest you stop kidding yourself.”

CHE – “A man in Europe went to the hospital for a routine procedure and was mistakenly given a circumcision instead. And he’s lucky ‘cause Europeans usually don’t leave a tip.”

CHE – “A woman in Utah survived after her SUV got stuck in the snow and mud for a week. The woman says she couldn’t have made it without her children. Her delicious, delicious children.”

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