“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – I didn’t watch one minute of that trial. It was like a four day-long PowerPoint. This is supposed to be Trump’s punishment, not mine. This whole impeachment is like a bad episode of “Maury.” There’s all this evidence that Trump clearly cheated, and Republicans are still like, “But Murray, he looove me!”
CHE – Trump is so confident he’s gonna win, he’s using Jeffrey Epstein’s lawyer to represent him. Talk about credibility. Who’s his character witness? R. Kelly?
CHE – I mean, maybe I’m paranoid, but I’m starting to think Democrats actually want Trump to stay in office. ‘Cause every time he does something crazy and racist, they’re like, “ohhhhhh noooooo…don’t do thatttttt…” I mean, you’re telling me the United States government can’t figure out how to remove a crazy dictator? We’ve been practicing all over the world, for like a hundred years. We’re kinda famous for it. That’d be like if Jamaica forgot how to unwind.
“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – Derek Jeter was voted into the Hall of Fame by the Baseball Writers Association, but was one vote shy of a unanimous decision. In case you were wondering if Derek Jeter ever slept with a baseball writer’s wife.
CHE – The U.S. Navy has for the first time ever named an aircraft carrier in honor of an African-American sailor. And he must’ve been pretty brave joining the Navy, not knowing how to swim.
JOST – A popular porn website has suffered a massive data breach that exposed users' identities and credit card numbers. “Wait, which porn site?” said your husband just now.
CHE – A goat has been born in India with a genetic deformity that makes it look like it has a human face. “Wow, crazy, how did that happen?” said a lonely farmer.