“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – Well, the impeachment trial is basically over… is a sentence I could have said two weeks ago when the trial began.

JOST – In a new book, John Bolton claims that last August, President Trump told him directly that he was holding up aid to Ukraine until they investigate the Bidens. Hey guys, what’s up with the books? When there’s an emergency, just tell us right away. If your friend’s about to get murdered, you don’t go off and write a novel called, “The Killer Behind You.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – The Palestinian President has rejected Trump’s Middle East Peace Plan saying, quote, “1,000 no’s to the deal.” Incidentally, “1,000 no’s” is what Trump calls “consent.”

CHE – Senator Amy Klobuchar has been getting a lot of attention during the Iowa Caucuses for bringing her family’s “Tater Tot Hot Dish” to events. Coincidentally, “Tater Tot Hot Dish” is the name of a guy Joe Biden wrestled in a public pool in 1962.

JOST – Secretary of State Mike Pompeo screamed at an NPR reporter because she asked him questions about the Ukraine scandal. Then, Pompeo demanded that the reporter point out Ukraine on a map, which she easily did. Worse, Pompeo then responded, “Wait – that one is Ukraine?

JOST – Harvey Weinstein once again showed up to a court appearance using a walker. And then, like Willy Wonka, he dropped the walker, did a somersault and ejaculated into a plant.

CHE – Tomorrow’s Super Bowl pits San Francisco vs. Kansas City. Hey! Just like the election.

CHE – Boxers Larry Holmes and Gerry Cooney are in talks for a rematch nearly forty years after they last fought. The fight will consist of ten rounds of boxing, and eighty bathroom breaks. It’ll be the first fight decided by natural causes.

JOST – Krispy Kreme Doughnuts announced that it’s opening a flagship store in Times Square. It’s perfect, because every time I walk through Times Square, I step in something that can best be described as “crispy cream.”