“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – This week, Democrats announced that they would move towards impeachment before Christmas. So Trump was right, a lot of Americans will be saying, “Merry Christmas!” again.

JOST – After announcing articles of impeachment, Nancy Pelosi criticized a reporter who asked her if she hates President trump saying, “As a Catholic, I don’t hate anyone.” Which is crazy, because as a Catholic, I know there’s always one person you hate: yourself. Also, the catholic approach wouldn’t be to impeach Trump, it would be to quietly transfer him to a different presidency.

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – President Trump warned France that if it imposes a tax on U.S. tech companies, the U.S. will retaliate with a tax on French wine. And I gotta admit, it is pretty funny that all of Trump’s tariffs are just based on lazy stereotypes. Like, if it was Japan, I bet he’d try to tax Ninja stars. Or if it was Italy? Spaghetti. God forbit it was a black country. He’d probably tax those Popeye’s chicken sandwiches.

JOST – According to AT&T, Representative Devin Nunes spoke with Giuliani associate, Lev Parnas, on the phone for more than eight minutes. Which if true, would be the longest call ever completed on AT&T.

CHE – The White House has issued new guidelines that require people receiving food stamps to work at least twenty hours a week. Well, I guess people on food stamps have had it too good for too long. Why does everybody always think the poorest people are tryna take advantage of them? I mean, one time I saw a guy begging on the train, and I was about to give him money, and this lady immediately goes, “Oh, he’s just faking it.” And I’m like, I don’t know, that smells like pretty real piss.

JOST – Peloton is being called sexist for a new ad showing a wife obsessively using a Peloton bike that her husband gave her. But at least they decided against using the slogan: “Peloton: You’d Better Keep it Tighter Than the Babysitter.”

JOST – The parents of a toddler in Great Britain say he’s obsessed with a hairstyling mannequin head, and he carries it everywhere. It’s an adorable habit that his parents will look back on wistfully when they’re watching him be sentenced for multiple murders.

CHE – The XFL has unveiled its new uniforms for the league’s upcoming season. And to save time, they’ll be shipping them directly to Haiti.

JOST – A German woman is under investigation after she was told to leave a tram for not having a ticket, and she sprayed the worker with her breast milk. And the worst part was the worker just stood there, mouth wide open.

CHE – The wife of John Schnatter, the founder of Papa John’s, has filed for divorce. Because, marriage is a lot like Papa John’s pizza: it only seems like a good idea when you’re drunk and alone.