“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – On Wednesday, the House voted to impeach President Trump, but Nancy Pelosi refuses to send the articles to the Senate until they guarantee a fair trial. So now we’re all in this weird limbo where no one knows exactly what’s going on. There’s this cast of wild characters making fools of themselves and everyone is thinking “ Please God just let this end.” So basically it’s “Cats.”
“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – In a letter to Nancy Pelosi, Trump claimed that he has been treated worse than "those accused in the Salem Witch Trials." You know, where they set women on fire for like wearing pants? Well, according to Donald Trump “impeachment is like literally, worse than that!”
CHE – I’m a little disappointed in Trump. I knew he would snap, but I thought it’d be fun like Tupac in ’96, this is more sad like Britney in ’07.
JOST – Singer Jason Derulo, who plays Rum Tum Tugger in the movie "Cats," said that filmmakers digitally edited out his bulge, even stranger they edited it onto Dame Judi Dench.
JOST – A man in California was kicked off a JetBlue flight after bringing his pet possum on the plane. While at Spirit Airlines, that’s what falls down when you need an oxygen mask.
JOST – Tonight is our Christmas show and we have a tradition where Che and I give each other jokes to read.
CHE – And we’re making each other read jokes, live on air that the other person has never seen before.
JOST – And the idea this year is to make it fun and not, try to ruin anyone's career or get them stabbed on the subway or backstage at the Eddie Murphy show.
JOST – Recent polls show that Pete Buttigieg has only four percent support among African Americans. But that'll change once Pete announces his running mate: The Popeye’s chicken sandwich.
CHE – A new interview with England's Prince Andrew is being called a "total disaster' after he said his friend Jeffrey Epstein "conducted himself in a manner unbecoming” I don’t know, from what I’ve read it sounded like he becoming all the time.
JOST – The bat used by Babe Ruth to hit his 500th home run was auctioned off this week. Also, I'll be auctioning off the bat I used to keep my neighborhood white
CHE – Researchers are testing a new method to treat cancer by injecting the cells with the herpes virus. So good news, if you’ve ever had sex with me, you might have the cure for cancer!