“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – After yesterday's vote approving articles of impeachment, President Trump could become the first president to face impeachment while also running for reelection. Because only Democrats could figure out a way to lose twice in the same year.
JOST – Trump also announced plans to sign an executive order that would reclassify Judaism as both a nationality and a race. So now if someone accuses Trump of being racist, he can say, “Um, my daughter is in an interracial marriage.”
“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – According to a new poll, thirty-seven percent of registered Republicans say that Donald Trump is a better President than George Washington, now that sounds ridiculous, but then I remembered George Washington owned slaves. So I guess I would say Trump’s better than that?
JOST – The Scripps National Spelling Bee has announced a change to next year's contest after this year's spelling bee ended in an eight-way tie. The new change? Knives.
CHE – Harvey Weinstein has reached a twenty-five million dollar settlement with the women accusing him of sexual misconduct. But in order to get the money, the women have to grab it out of his bathrobe pocket.
CHE – For the first time in history of "Wheel of Fortune," the game show was hosted by Vanna White. There were no survivors.
JOST – IHOP has opened a new casual version of their restaurant called “Flip’d.” Because who hasn’t walked into a regular IHOP and thought, “Well this is just way too formal.”
CHE – The group “One Million Moms” is boycotting the Hallmark Channel for airing a commercial featuring a same-sex couple getting married and kissing. Ladies, relax if your kid is watching the Hallmark Channel, he already gay as hell.
JOST – Thousands of what are being called, "penis fish" have washed ashore on a California beach. Not only that, one kid says he even found one in his mother's nightstand.