“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “It was reported that if President Trump closes the border with Mexico, the U.S. would run out of avocados in three weeks. Man, this guy must really hate white women. Why else would he be waging a war on brunch? I can’t wait ‘til there’s a ‘Million Megan March’ because he made it illegal to put orange juice in prosecco.”

CHE – “Lori Loughlin appeared in court to face charges that she bribed college officials. It’s amazing that people are so shocked by this story. Rich people have been finding loopholes to get their kids into college forever. For example, lacrosse.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “Actor Jim Carrey got into a Twitter feud this week with the granddaughter of Benito Mussolini. Because that’s just the kind of thing that happens now, and we all have to accept it. News at this point is just a string of unrelated words like: ‘Elon Musk Releases Harambe Rap,’ or this actual headline I read today, ‘Disabled Chicken Who Survived Weasel Attack Learning to Walk Thanks to Custom Wheelchair.’ Guys, just eat the chicken.”

CHE – “Oreo has introduced a new line of cookies inspired by ‘Game of Thrones.’ I assume with the slogan, ‘Diabetes is Coming.’”

CHE – “A gay couple in Wisconsin says their landlord has threatened to evict them if they don't take down their gay pride flag. And it is truly shocking to me that in 2019 there are still gay people who haven't left Wisconsin.

JOST – “A new study finds that marijuana resin sold on the streets of Madrid contains a dangerous amount of fecal matter. Begging the question: what’s a good amount?”

JOST – “A group of people in England are organizing a Star Wars-themed orgy. Which is just an orgy where you find out the guy in the mask is actually your father.”

CHE – “Charmin has introduced a new toilet paper called the Forever Roll, which can last someone up to one month. ‘We’ll see about that,’ said Chipotle.”

JOST – “A woman who lost her son’s Grover doll while climbing a mountain had it returned after another climber found it. But only after Grover freed himself from a boulder by cutting off his own arm.”


Lauren Roseman,, 212-664-5236