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HIGHLIGHTS FROM "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'S WEEKEND UPDATE WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE" November 5, 2016

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “Well the election is only 3 days away now. But remember, it’s not over ‘til the fat lady sings. And there’s no way Trump is letting a fat lady anywhere near him.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “Experts say that it will take the FBI well past the election to get through all 650,000 emails. Which just seems ridiculous to me. The fastest way to get through that many emails is to just leave your laptop open at your girlfriend’s house, go to the bathroom and take a long shower. Believe me, three days and ask her what she wants to eat, and she’ll say, ‘I don’t know, why don’t you ask that funky bitch Benghazi!’”

JOST – “We thought this election was over 2 weeks ago. Then in the spirit of Halloween, the FBI dropped a flaming bag of dog crap on our doorstep and ran away.”

JOST – “He had 650,000 emails on his computer. And that’s just how many he had on the laptop he shared with his wife. Imagine how much weird stuff he’s got on the old Dell computer he has hidden in the floorboards.”

CHE – “It is fascinating to see the double standard. Just the mystery of what Hillary could be hiding in those deleted emails is somehow worse than what we’ve actually heard Donald Trump say. I bet Hillary is thinking, why’d I throw out those emails? That’s like giving up weed for a job interview and then losing that job to a crackhead. If I was Hillary, I’d just make up a bunch of ridiculous Trumpy sounding emails and then just hand them over to the FBI, right now. Like, here ya go! 31,000 hilarious emails of me grabbing dongs and calling Chinese people ‘ninja turtles.’”

JOST – “Then Melania Trump made a rare campaign speech on Thursday and said that as First Lady, she would fight against bullying on social media and that we must treat each other with respect and kindness. Donald Trump called his wife’s speech, ‘Sad, fake and gay!’”

CHE – “Donald Trump also received the endorsement of the official newspaper of the KKK. Huh, what are the odds? What was that meeting even like? Just some dude in the KKK like, ‘Now Earl, and just hear me out, but what if, this time, we endorse the white man.’ Also, this is the first I’m hearing about a KKK newspaper. And yes I absolutely subscribed. I just wanna see if there’s a sports section.”

JOST – “And it was reported that Hillary Clinton has already booked an Election Night fireworks display over the Hudson River, either to celebrate her victory or to visually demonstrate how her campaign exploded.”

JOST – “She’s also holding a massive rally Monday night with what they’re calling an ‘Avengers’ lineup of President Obama, Michelle, Bill Clinton and Joe Biden. But if you’re Hillary, maybe don’t call them the ‘Avengers’ because it just makes us think about which ‘Avenger’ Hillary is. And girl, you Hawkeye.”

CHE – “But no matter who wins this election, we can’t let political parties and media divide us. We’re not different. We’re all the same. We all have the same basic needs and wants. We all want respect. We all own a sweater that we never wear, but will never throw away. We all have one line of a dumb song that we don’t even like, stuck in our heads for days at a time. We all say, ‘You too!’ when our deli guy says, ‘Have a good show, man.’ And then walk away mumbling to ourselves, ‘Why am I so stupid?’ Because we’re all the same. Who cares if we can’t agree on global warming or religion? It doesn’t matter. Because someday we’re all gonna drown and burn in hell together.”

JOST – “And people need to trust Americans to make the right decision. That is how democracy works. Sometimes we make great decisions like serving McDonald’s breakfast all day. And sometimes we make terrible decisions like eating McDonald’s breakfast all day. And I know right now it seems like we’re hopelessly divided, but soon we’ll all come together as a country to begin the long journey toward impeaching whoever we just elected. Because on Tuesday, the fate of our country is finally in the hands of the people who truly matter: The Russian teenagers who will hack into our voting machines.”

CHE – “A couple in Russia invited a bear to be a witness at their wedding. There were no survivors.”

JOST – “This Sunday is the New York City Marathon. The marathon is a great chance for foreigners to practice running for their lives.”

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