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HIGHLIGHTS FROM "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'S WEEKEND UPDATE WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE" November 19, 2016

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “One week has passed since Donald Trump’s been elected President. Now it hasn’t been great, but it also hasn’t been good, or even fine. So while half the country is worried that Trump is gonna make America unsafe for women and minorities, the first guy he hired was the former chairman of Breitbart news, and fitness enthusiast, Steve Bannon. Breitbart News has been criticized by the left for being a sexist, racist, white nationalist news site. Strong words -- I don’t know if I’d call it a ‘news site.’ Calling Breitbart a ‘news site’ is like calling the R Kelly sex tape a ‘rom com.’”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “Donald Trump also nominated Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions for Attorney General, even though Sessions was denied a federal position 30 years ago for making racist remarks. But you know what they say, ‘If at first you don’t succeed, wait 30 years until history lurches backwards.’”

JOST – “I think Trump is just surrounding himself with people who make him look better. That was kind of the point of ‘Celebrity Apprentice.’ People think Trump’s a great businessman because he is – compared to Bret Michaels and Lou Ferrigno.”

CHE – “I don’t even think Donald Trump ever wanted to be president in the first place. Nobody’s judging a swimsuit contest with Dennis Rodman, while also wanting to bring back jobs to rural Pennsylvania. I think he just wanted to win the election because everybody said he couldn’t. It’s like dating. Chasing someone that’s hard to get is always more fun than the actual relationship. He just liked the chase. He enjoyed wooing America for 18 months. He loved making crazy promises. Even when the media was saying Trump was crazy, he was like ‘Baby, stop listening to your dumb, fat friends, they’re just jealous.’ And it worked somehow! America said yes. But now the chase is over. And the relationship starts. And it’s not fun anymore. He’s getting texts from Dennis Rodman in the middle of the night like, ‘Bro let’s go hit up a pageant.’ And he’s like, ‘I can’t man. She’s making me put together a cabinet. I promised her a wall. I gotta have dinner with China. I don’t like this.’ Clearly he’s not ready for this commitment. That’s why every time America brings up moving to D.C. he’s like, ‘Yeaa… babe I think I’m gonna keep my place in New York.’”

JOST – “Donald Trump is considering splitting his time between the White House and his Manhattan residence, which would cost taxpayers tens of millions of dollars. But it’s all worth it to help a billionaire go nite nite in his big boy bed. One thing I kept hearing all week was, ‘Can you believe he’s doing this?’ Yeah! It’s Trump. His whole platform was about how he’s not gonna be a normal President. The only real model we have for a Trump presidency is the movie, ‘First Kid.’ I’m just worried it might all end less like ‘First Kid’ and more like ‘Independence Day.’”

CHE – “Major media outlets such as CNN, the Washington Post and the New York Times have criticized Trump for walking back his more controversial campaign promises. But shouldn’t the media be encouraging him when he’s moving in the right direction? Maybe if you ran complimentary headlines, you could trick him into doing what you really want. For example, instead of the headline that says, ‘Trump Breaks Promise to Lock Up Hillary Clinton,’ maybe try something more positive live, ‘Heroic Trump Saves Grandma.’ Or change ‘Trump Flip Flops on Repealing Obamacare’ to ‘Generous Trump Honors Unemployed Black Man’s Last Wish.’ See? He’ll like that.”

JOST – “Mike Pence on Friday was booed by the audience after seeing the Broadway hit ‘Hamilton.’ Of course he was booed. He’s a guy from Indiana who believes in gay conversion therapy. Visiting Broadway is how people from Indiana realize they’re gay.”

CHE – “'People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive’ is Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson, who once again beat his longtime rival, Dwayne ‘The Scissors’ Johnson.”

CHE – “A neo-Nazi group has declared New Balance the ‘Official Shoes of White People.’ But if New Balances are the official white people shoes, then what are Crocs?”

CHE – “A man on an African Safari fell off of a horse while being chased by a lion. ‘Well, that was a close one,’ said the horse.”

JOST – “The dating app Tinder announced a new feature this week, which gives users 37 different gender identity options. It’s called, ‘Why Democrats Lost the Election.’”

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