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Air Date: Saturdays on NBC (11:30 p.m.-1 a.m. ET);  'SNL Vintage': Saturdays (10-11 p.m. ET)
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HIGHLIGHTS FROM "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'S WEEKEND UPDATE WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE" December 3, 2016

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “You’re not gonna believe this, but the media is beginning to question if Donald Trump knows what he’s doing. Trump had communication with the president of Taiwan, which violates a long-standing agreement between the US and China. But in fairness, the president of Taiwan called HIM. And ALSO, there’s no way Donald Trump knows the difference between Taiwan and China. He probably just thinks one makes his hats and the other makes his ties. What did surprise me is that Trump would actually answer an unknown phone number. That guy has like millions of dollars in debt. I owe chase 11 hundred dollars, and when I see a number I don’t recognize I answer the phone in a Taiwanese accent.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “This week Donald Trump began what he’s calling a ‘Thank You Tour’ of the country, while Hillary Clinton, I assume is planning more of an  F.U. Tour. Trump’s holding victory rallies in all the places that helped get him elected. Like Ohio, Pennsylvania, Russia, the FBI, WikiLeaks, and Hillary’s campaign headquarters. By the way, a Thank You Tour might be the Trumpiest idea I’ve ever heard. He’s so egotistical that his idea of saying, ‘thank you’ is having thousands of people show up and chant his name. That’s not how ‘thank you’s’ work. That would be like starting a charity, but instead of helping the poor, all the money went to a giant portrait of the guy who started the charity. Oh, right.”

CHE – “Protestors continue to gather at Standing Rock Indian Reservation, to stop the construction of the Dakota Access Pipeline. The natives believe that the oil pipeline could contaminate their water supply. But the oil company believes, ‘Mehh.’ The sheriff’s department began using rubber bullets and water hoses against the protestors last weekend. And I know that law enforcement is a very, very tough job, but at some point when you’re out there in 23 degree weather, spraying some native family with a firehose on Thanksgiving, you gotta stop and wonder, ‘Are we the bad guys?’”

JOST – “Kellogg’s announced that it’s pulling its advertising from the Breitbart website, saying the alt-right website does not align with their values as a company. But, I don’t know. Kellogg’s makes Kashi Go-Lean Crunch, and that’s maybe the whitest product in history.”

CHE – “The federal government has approved a plan that would ban smoking in public housing across the country, which is a horrible idea. I mean, you know how stressful it is to live in the projects? I can tell you, it’s like prison. Except you didn’t do anything wrong, and you can smoke in prison. How do you even plan on enforcing this law? You think a ghetto tipster is gonna call you like, ‘Yea, this is Freddy. I’d like to report cigarette smoke at the crackhouse in 4B.’ They’re saying it’s because cigarettes are a health risk. But you know what else is a health risk? Living in the projects. Heating your apartment with your oven is a health risk. Letting a pitbull babysit your toddler is a health risk. Having a hospital bed in your living room is a health risk. But you know what the worst health risk of all is? Getting evicted. Cuz that’s what’s gonna happen. They’re gonna renovate those buildings and sell them to millionaires. And you know what  they’re gonna do in those buildings, those millionaires? Coke.”

JOST – “Police in Canada will soon start making people caught drinking and driving listen to Nickelback. So let that be a lesson to all you drunk drivers out there. Make sure the crash kills you.”

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