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HIGHLIGHTS FROM "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'S WEEKEND UPDATE WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE" December 17, 2016

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “At a press conference on Friday, President Obama again claimed Russia hacked our election. He also accused Donald Trump of knowing that it was happening while doing nothing about it. But I mean, can you really blame him? Who snitches when somebody cheats for them? That’s just ungrateful. You don’t expect Tom Brady to tell the ref, ‘Hey, let me try that touchdown again, the ball was deflated.’ I guess Donald Trump was just acting like a Patriot.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “Yesterday the FBI backed up the CIA and the White House in their conclusion that Russia interfered in the U.S. election. Yet somehow, Trump keeps defending Russia despite all the evidence. It’s like if right after Pearl Harbor, FDR had said, ‘We don’t know it was Japan. It could have just been some fat guy on a couch somewhere.’”

JOST – “President Obama claimed that the Russian hackers stopped attacking America after Obama told Putin to quote, ‘Cut it out.’ I’m not sure you’re gonna strike fear into the heart of an evil dictator with Uncle Joey’s catch phrase from Full House.”

CHE – “The Electoral College is voting on Monday, and it would take 37 members to change their vote to cost Donald Trump the election. That’s right, only 37 people stand in the way of ‘Civil Wars: Episode II.’”

CHE – “The only thing scarier to me than Donald Trump becoming president, is Trump not being allowed to become president. Taking the presidency away from Donald Trump now is like giving a monkey a machine gun, and then trying to wrestle it back from him. At this point, all we can do is just pray that he can’t figure out how it works, gets bored and puts it down and walks away.”

JOST – “And I should point out that the Electoral College was first proposed by Alexander Hamilton as a check against a misguided popular vote. So it’s pretty ironic that because of Hamilton a black guy is getting recast as a white guy.”

JOST – “Obama this week said that Democrats are falsely characterized as ‘coastal, liberal, latte-sipping, out-of-touch folks.’ Then he grabbed a salted caramel mochaccino and hopped on a private jet to Hawaii.”

CHE – “I’ve got to say, it was pretty sad seeing Obama hold a press conference for maybe his last time. It was like his farewell concert. He was going through all his greatest hits…The climate deal, ObamaCare, reducing unemployment. I got so into it I started calling out my favorite Obama hits, ‘Hey, do killing Osama!’ He didn’t even bring up that he was the first black president. Which, if you look at history, is not that easy to do. That alone has earned him a place on every black family’s wall. Right next to Martin Luther King. And perm Jesus.”

CHE – “Donald Trump met with Kanye West at Trump Tower this week. I assume to nominate Kanye for a newly created post, Secretary of Humbleness. He even said he and Trump discussed what Kanye described as ‘multicultural issues.’ ‘Multicultural issues’ is also how Kanye describes his wife’s family.”

CHE – “Trump must feel like Don Corleone. I mean everybody’s taking meetings, asking him for favors. Right now, Chris Christie is sitting in Trump Tower lobby, practicing his lines like Luca Brasi…’And may your first term, be a masculine term.’ But do we really need to know about everybody Trump meets? I mean if the media wants to fine tooth comb Trump’s dealings with Putin, I get that. But when he’s meeting washed up football players and rappers fresh out of the puzzle factory, I don’t need that information. I mean what would a Kanye West and Donald Trump meeting even be? It’s like those old cartoons when Scooby-Doo meets the Harlem Globetrotters, and you’re like ‘Why? How would that even help? What would that even do?’”

JOST – “Donald Trump officially announced that he is nominating ExxonMobil CEO Rex Tillerson to be Secretary of State. Trump chose the Exxon CEO because he was three cents cheaper than the Chevron CEO across the street.”

JOST – “In 2013 Putin awarded Tillerson the Order of Friendship, which is one of the highest honors Russia gives to foreigners. In fact the only higher honor Russia can give you is President of the United States.”

JOST – “It was announced that at Trump’s inauguration, the National Anthem will be performed by Jackie Evancho, who finished in second place on ‘America’s Got Talent.’ Though she somehow won the ‘America’s Got Talent’ Electoral College.”

JOST – “An Australian man, who ate nothing but potatoes for an entire year, has lost more than 100 pounds, no longer needs anti-depressants, lowered his cholesterol, and is dead.”

CHE – “According to a new survey, 70% of people say that their relationships have been hurt by ‘phubbing,’ which is when you snub your partner to use your phone instead. ‘Phubbing’ is not, as I assumed, when your booty’s too big to have sex in the bathtub.”

JOST – “Jia Jia, the world’s oldest panda, passed away this week at the age of 38. Jia Jia died after suffering a stroke stroke.”

CHE – “Chipotle has begun serving chorizo. The announcement was made loudly through a bathroom door.”

JOST – “Uber has issued a new set of rules that bans passengers from having sex with the driver or other passengers. Though you can always switch over to Lyft for a mustache ride.”

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