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HIGHLIGHTS FROM "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'S WEEKEND UPDATE WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE" December 10, 2016

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “It’s being reported that the CIA believes Russia influenced our Presidential election in favor of Donald Trump. You see? Feel better now popular vote? No? Okay. At this point, telling us why Trump won is like the fire department showing up to tell us why our house is currently on fire. Just put it out. We’ll talk about it later. Trump’s team then dismissed the CIA claims saying that, ‘These are the same people that said Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction.’ Now, first of all Trump, damn that’s a good comeback. Even the CIA responded to Trump saying, ‘Wow, so it’s like that?’”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “It was revealed that Donald Trump will keep his job as executive producer on the ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ while he is president. It’s an absurd, unethical, and potentially illegal conflict of interest – only on NBC!”

CHE – “This could also explain why Donald Trump has only been to a couple of the daily intelligence briefings since winning the election, but Mike Pence has been to six a week. Pence is kind of like a wife carefully reading the IKEA instructions. And Trump is that stubborn husband yelling, ‘Yeah I did it right! It’s supposed to be wobbly!’ You know, as crazy as it sounds, maybe it’s better Trump doesn’t know what’s going on. You can’t trust him with secrets. This guy tweets every thought that pops in his head. And he’s so petty and so vindictive. How long before he tweets out the President of China’s home phone number because he got a bad egg roll somewhere? I hope they tell him as little as possible. When Trump shows up to a briefing I hope they give him headphones and an iPad and make him watch ‘Frozen.’”

JOST – “Now people are upset that Trump’s doing a TV show and won’t go to intelligence briefings. But face it America, Trump won because he’s the fun guy. If we wanted a diligent, competent, experienced president, we would have elected Nerd Lady. If your school elects the rich cool guy president, he’s not gonna suddenly show up to student council meetings and examine the science budget. He’s gonna go on a victory lap around the school, start a food fight with the Model U.N., and grab some cheerleaders by the pom-poms. I mean, his whole platform was ‘Seniors Rule, Mexicans Drool.’”

JOST – “Former mayor Rudy Giuliani has removed himself from consideration for a position in Trump’s cabinet, which is a smooth political way of saying Trump didn’t pick him. I mean, that’s like ‘Dirty Grandpa’ taking itself out of Oscar contention. Or Paula Deen saying she won’t accept an NAACP Image Award.”

JOST – “On Tuesday Donald Trump tweeted that he wants to cancel an order with Boeing for a new Air Force One because it costs too much. Which is weird because Trump usually waits until after the work is done before he refuses to pay.”

JOST – “Trump has justified his use of Twitter, saying he’d tweet less if the press did their job better. Or if his Ambien did its job better.”

JOST – “The spread of fake news on the internet has become so prevalent that even The Pope spoke out this week and denounced fake news. And you know it’s bad when a guy who gets his news from voices in the sky and burning bushes is telling you to check your sources.”

CHE – “A black man was arrested in Philadelphia after he went on a pro-Trump graffiti spree. He has been sentenced to spend the next five years with his auntie and uncle in Bel Air.”

JOST – “A woman on Long Island discovered a diamond ring inside of a glove while trying it on in a department store. And because it was Long Island, it was still attached to a finger.”

CHE – “Amazon has opened a new grocery store in Seattle that uses sensors and artificial intelligence that allows customers to buy products without going to a cashier. So not all the jobs are going to Mexico and China. Some of them are going to robots. Robots are even taking the jobs that we thought we’d never lose. Laid-off factory workers became truck drivers because ‘those trucks ain’t gonna drive themselves.’ Well guess what? In about two years, those trucks are gonna start driving themselves.”

CHE – “In white people freaking out about nothing news, the Mall of America in Minnesota hired their first black Santa, which provoked outrage on social media. Ya know, having a black mall Santa seems like a really nice idea, until your white baby starts crying on his lap and your Christmas card looks like your toddler is a racist. Now I don’t know what color Santa should or shouldn’t be, but he’s given America a couple hundred years of free labor and that sounds pretty black to me.”

JOST – “I’ve got to say, I think Santa’s black too, because the only other guy I know with a pet reindeer is Tracy Morgan.”

JOST – “Jocelyn Wildenstein, who is known as the Catwoman for her extensive plastic surgery to make her look like a cat, was arrested on charges that she scratched her boyfriend. In fairness, he was taunting her with a laser pointer.”

JOST – “A new study has found that people who shave or trim their pubic hair are more likely to contract sexually transmitted diseases. So you’re probably in the clear, old guy at my gym.”

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