September 21, 2012 HIGHLIGHTS FROM “SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE’S WEEKEND UPDATE THURSDAY” SEPTEMBER 20, 2012
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“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR SETH MEYERS – “This week, a shocking video was released that appears to show Mitt Romney telling an audience exactly what they wanted to hear. Look, it would be easy to pile on Romney after that tape, but we should know by now just because Mitt Romney says something does not mean he believes it. Had that been a room full of fat kids, he would have told them cake is a vegetable.”

MEYERS – “Romney did not apologize for his comments, though he did say were "not elegantly stated." Apparently he meant to say “47 percent of Americans are victims and have a sense of entitlement... m'lady."”
“As for his claim it is not his job to worry about Americans who don’t pay taxes, I wouldn’t worry buddy. It’s looking less and less like it will be your job.”

MEYERS – “President Obama on Tuesday night attended an exclusive fund raising event in Manhattan organized by Jay Z and Beyonce. Sounds like a good endorsement for the president because when has Jay Z ever backed a loser?” (Graphic of Nets basketball team logo)

MEYERS – “Newsweek magazine has created controversy with its cover story titled “Muslim Rage.” The controversy is, they stole the cover idea from last month's issue of Cat Fancy.”

MEYERS – “A professor at Harvard says that she has discovered a fourth-century fragment of papyrus that she claims is proof that Jesus Christ was married to Mary Magdalene. The professor even claims that Mary Magdalene popularized the phrase, "Jesus Christ, pick up your socks!"”

MEYERS – “An Italian magazine this week became the third tabloid to publish topless pictures of Princess Kate. But I think I'll hold out for the commemorative plate.”

MEYERS – “This past weekend a couple was caught on video having sex in a Yankee Stadium bathroom. And no, Red Sox fans, it wasn't these two.” (Graphic of Alex Rodriquez and Derek Jeter)

MEYERS – “A new device is being sold called the "Popinator," which is a voice-activated popcorn machine that launches a single piece of popcorn into the user's mouth. The device is activated by the phrase "I'm so lonely."”

MEYERS – “According to reports, Robert Pattinson has forgiven Kristen Stewart for her affair and has gotten back together with her. Stewart's friends say that she is absolutely slouching with joy.”

MEYERS – “Lindsay Lohan on Wednesday was arrested in New York City for allegedly hitting a pedestrian with her car and not stopping. Well, good for her. It's been a while since she's had a hit.”

MEYERS – “A new bar has opened in Brooklyn that also offers yoga classes. Because who doesn't walk into a bar and immediately think "man, I wanna get down on this floor."”

MEYERS – “A driver in Norway crashed his car after he swerved to avoid a moose and instead hit a bear. He says from now on, he's just going to skip that shortcut through the zoo.”

MEYERS – “Many are calling for the NFL to end the league's three month lockout of referees after this past weekend's games in which replacement refs marred the games with numerous bad calls. Though in fairness, a lot of that stuff isn't covered in the training program at Foot Locker.”

MEYERS – “This Monday was the Jewish holiday of Rosh Hashanah, which is the start of the Jewish New Year. The Jewish New Year is just like the regular New Year except it's harder to see through the glasses.”

MEYERS – “Actor Rupert Everett, who is gay, created a controversy this week when he said that he "can't think of anything worse than being brought up by two gay dads." "I can," said an orphan.”

MEYERS – “Celebrity chef Guy Fieri has released a new cookbook co-written with the lead singer of Smashmouth. The book is called "150 Easy Meals to Find a Hair in".”

MEYERS – “McDonald's in Austria will begin serving "McNoodles," which are pasta dishes that come with vegetables and chicken. They go perfectly with Austrian McDonalds's famous "Unhappy Meals."”

MEYERS – “A woman in Ohio has built what she claims is the world's largest yo-yo, which is 15 feet wide and weighs over 7000 pounds, but what others claim is just a piece of string tied to her trailer home.”