September 28, 2012 HIGHLIGHTS FROM “SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE’S WEEKEND UPDATE THURSDAY” SEPTEMBER 27, 2012
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“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR SETH MEYERS – “The NFL announced early this morning that they had reached a deal with officials ending the Referee lock-out. Well, it feels nice to say this again: good call. But the real question is what is the NFL going to do about the replacement cheerleaders.”

MEYERS – “President Obama on Tuesday addressed the UN General Assembly and warned that a nuclear-armed Iran could threaten the existence of Israel. "Woo!" said one guy in the audience.”

MEYERS – “The UN is being criticized for scheduling Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to address the General Assembly on the Jewish High Holy Day of Yom Kippur. I guess the U.N. just thought "who do we know who's definitely free on Yom Kippur?"”

MEYERS – “Republican insiders are saying that the Romney campaign should not hamper Paul Ryan and "Let Ryan be Ryan." Though I think if Republican insiders had their way, they might let Ryan be Romney. You can't really blame Republicans. How could anyone resist that Million dollar smile?”

MEYERS – “Insiders are saying that a second sex tape featuring Kanye West has surfaced. It's actually just grainy footage of two different people having sex and then Kanye interrupting.”

MEYERS – “Archaeologists have found a lump of beeswax in the 6500 year old jawbone of a human, that they believe is the earliest evidence of a dental filling. They became convinced when they also found a bill for 3800 dollars.”

MEYERS – “Forbes magazine this week named Silver Lake, California as the hippest neighborhood in the US, with Williamsburg in Brooklyn in third place. Although Forbes magazine telling you what's hip is kind of like hearing your dad say "for shizzle."”

MEYERS – “On Thursday JK Rowling, the author of the Harry Potter series, will release her first book for adults entitled "The Casual Vacancy" which features mature content including sex and drug use. Though I preferred the book's original title "Hagrid: Nights".”

MEYERS – “Rescue workers in Turkey dove into the Black Sea this week to save a woman that turned out to be a blow-up sex doll. In fairness, they always do look like they're yelling for help.”

MEYERS – “In October, magician David Blaine will perform his next stunt in which he will be hit with a 1 million volt electrical charge for 72 hours. This stunt is a little different from the others, in that he doesn't know about it yet.”

MEYERS – “Tennessee police arrested a woman who allegedly assaulted a man with a hammer while having sex with him. In the woman's defense, meth.”

MEYERS – “Domino's pizza this week introduced a new pan pizza with a thicker crust, so now you have a little bit more to chew through to reach rock bottom.”

MEYERS – “A new poll has found that America's favorite snack food is Ritz crackers. Though it should be noted that the only other choice in the poll was "Wet Ritz Crackers."”

MEYERS – “New York's Taxi and Limousine Commission is installing stickers in cabs warning passengers to look out for people on bikes before opening their door. Because if you open the door too slowly, you might miss them.”

MEYERS – “Two women were arrested this week at New York's Kennedy Airport after officials discovered that the women were trying to smuggle 2 kilos of cocaine beneath their hairpieces and weaves. Officials were tipped off when the women bought tickets to Miami and then LA and then Vegas and then Honolulu and then Chicago and then Vegas again and then New Orleans and then Vermont cause it's fall and you gotta see the trees and then back to Vega.”

MEYERS – “A new study shows that people with the least education have shorter life spans. Which explains why Arizona State has never even tried to have a 20 year reunion.”