July 02, 2012 QUOTABLES FROM "LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON" JUNE 25 - JUNE 29
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Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Tonight on the show we have Charlie Sheen and musical guest The Alabama Shakes. Incidentally, “the Alabama shakes” is what Charlie would get after a late night in Birmingham.

Here’s some election news. Over the weekend, Mitt Romney held a retreat for his donors, which included dancing. Yeah, at one point, people started doing “The Robot” – or as Romney calls that, “The Me.”

Mitt Romney’s weekend retreat also included a buffet dinner. Which explains why Governor Chris Christie’s invitation got “lost in the mail.”

This is interesting. I heard that Peru has overtaken Colombia as the world’s #1 producer of cocaine. Then I was like, "That's interesting, Charlie. I'll see you out there for your interview."

Did you hear about this? Two female sprinters may have to do a coin toss after they tied in an Olympic qualifying event. The coin toss will last just a second, while NBC's coverage of it will last about a day-and-a-half.

Some TV news. On Saturday, “General Hospital” won five Daytime Emmys, including Best Drama. Of course, the cast doesn’t remember much from the after-party since they all developed amnesia.

Get this. A new survey found that Tampa is the vainest city in the U.S. In fact they’re so vain, they probably think this joke is about them.

Yeah, Tampa is the vainest city in the country. Of course with all the retirement communities there, it’s also the veiniest city in the country.

And finally, while taping “Jersey Shore” on Saturday, Deena and JWoww took turns riding jet packs on the beach. Unfortunately, “Jet Packs” is just the name of some DJ they met at a bar.

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, everybody! A lot to get to tonight. Big, big fun show. Hey, this is big news for comic book fans. Next month, the author of “Fifty Shades of Grey” will be signing copies of the book at Comic-Con. Yeah, she will be signing books at Comic-Con. Or as Comic-Con fans will put it, “Mooom! I told you to wait in the car!”

Hey, did you guys hear about this? A new study found that a record number of America’s wealthiest citizens are renouncing their citizenship to avoid high taxes. Which explains why today, Donald Trump claimed HE was born in Kenya.

Here’s a campaign update. Yesterday in New Hampshire, President Obama said Americans need someone who will wake up every single day and fight for their jobs. Then he said, "But until we find that guy, I'm still your best choice."

Hey, this is weird. A town in New Jersey could soon make it illegal for people to feed wild turkeys. Which explains that time I tried to feed a turkey there, and he was like “Hey, you a cop?”

Get this, you guys. Over the weekend, a man in Tennessee was kicked out of a Kenny Chesney concert because he looked too much like Kenny Chesney. That actually happens a lot - in fact, my grandma was kicked out of an Aerosmith concert for looking too much like Steven Tyler.

Some celebrity news. Rapper 50 Cent is doing fine after he was involved in a car accident last night. There was a lot of damage, but fortunately his insurance covers him up to like, 75 Cent.

Did you see this? Last week a dog from the UK named "Mugly" was named the world's ugliest dog. I mean, that dog is ugly, when he’s around other dogs, they sniff his FACE.

And finally, a new survey found that the average American drinks 162 pints of beer every year. So you hear that, high school guidance counselor? Sounds like I AM above average.

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Here’s a campaign update. President Obama has a new ad that hits Mitt Romney’s business career by calling him an “outsourcer-in-chief.” Romney responded with an ad of his own - made by an excellent company in India.

Listen to this, you guys. Starting this weekend, cab drivers in Chicago will charge an extra 50 dollars to passengers who throw up in the back seat. Or as passengers put it, “Front seat it is!”

There’s talk that Hoda Kotb, from the fourth hour of the “Today” show, could become the show’s main co-anchor with Matt Lauer. She hopes to do the whole show more like the fourth hour, which explains that new segment: “Where in the World is Jack Daniels?”

This is sweet. A family in Colorado was reunited with their lost bulldog, after it was found 500 miles away. In response, the bulldog was like, “Jeez, can’t these people take a hint?”

I read about a high school class from 1943 that is planning to hold a prom next year for its 70^th reunion. Yeah, the prom has a great theme: “A Night To Remember…But Then Probably Forget.”

Check this out. A new study found that pigeons can actually recognize human faces. So I guess my pigeon friend was just blowing me off the other day in Starbucks.

Get this, you guys. Ford has a new technology to help keep a car in its lane on the highway. They say it works great – until you want to exit the highway.

And finally, I heard that Red Robin is now selling a burger featuring the ghost chili – which is the hottest pepper in the world. Or as the guy who cleans their bathrooms put it, “Kill me now.”

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Huge news today for President Obama. The Supreme Court voted 5 to 4 to uphold his health care law. Yeah, Obama actually had three different speeches prepared, depending on the decision. But, in the end he went with the one that made the most sense: “Suck it, Romney.”

It was reported, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi wore her lucky purple shoes for the Supreme Court’s health care ruling. While House Speaker John Boehner wore his lucky orange face.

After the Supreme Court upheld the health care law, a top official at the Democratic National Committee tweeted, “It’s constitutional, bitches.” The tweet was immediately deleted - and replaced with another that said "It's constitutional, biatches."

Did you see this? For several minutes after the ruling, CNN was mistakenly reporting that the Supreme Court struck down President Obama’s health care law. In response, CNN was like “Phew – thank God no one watches us.”

Some business news. Yesterday, the CEO of T-Mobile resigned so that he can spend more time with his family. Well, he actually resigned three years ago, but the text just went through.

Hey you guys, tonight was the NBA Draft! Or as the Knicks put it, "Crap - that was tonight??"

Some more sports news. I heard that Pittsburgh Penguins star Jordan Staal was traded to the Carolina Hurricanes last weekend while he was getting married. Not good – you never want to find out on your wedding night that your husband’s playing for the other team.

I’m so excited – tonight, we have director Oliver Stone on the show! At least, that’s what the government wants you to believe.

And finally, a Catholic bishop was forced to resign after he was seen frolicking with a woman on the beach. Or as the Pope called it, “A church scandal we can live with.”

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Did you guys hear about this? A United Airlines passenger has filed a complaint after a maintenance man dropped superglue on her head on a flight to Houston. I don’t know what’s scarier – that a passenger got superglue on her head, or that United FIXES THEIR AIRPLANES WITH SUPERGLUE. (“She’s all patched up. You can fly!”)

Congratulations to Adele! Today, she announced that she’s pregnant with her first child. It’ll be weird though when the baby is crying all the time, and she realizes it’s just cuz she’s been listening to Adele.

Yeah, Adele is pregnant for the first time. There's still no word on whether she's having twins, or just releasing a single.

Here’s a campaign update, you guys. This week, Vice-President Joe Biden spoke at a senior center in Iowa. Which explains why the seniors were like, "Is this Hell?”

Check this out, you guys. Americans are expected to eat 150 million hot dogs at this year’s Fourth of July barbecues. Man, I haven’t seen that many wieners go into mouths since… last year’s Fourth of July barbecues.

Did you guys hear about this? A group of protesters crashed a van into Microsoft’s headquarters in Athens. Yeah, when they heard a van crashed, Microsoft was like, “We make vans?!?”

Some sports news. Last night at the NBA draft, the Knicks chose forward Kostas Papanikolaou from Greece. I cannot wait for Papanikoloun-sanity! (Rolls off the tongue.)

Hey you guys, the NYPD is apparently teaching its officers how to be more polite. It’s true – last time I got frisked, the cop was like, “Have you lost weight?”

Listen to this. A new study found that wine drinkers are willing to pay more money for bottles with hard-to-pronounce names. Which explains that really expensive wine, the “Kostas Papanikolaou.”

And finally, this week, William Shatner’s pants fell down while he was going through airport security. Soooo look out, "Magic Mike!"